Building Relationships We Can All Be Proud Of

Friday, 19 May 2017


There is a price to pay for every family you marry from. There is a price to pay when you marry from a poor home, a rich home, a prominent family, broken home, a family of academicians and religious people, a family from a culture/race/ethnicity different from yours.

It is important you know what the price is or likely to be. For some, it is the price of  the money you must be willing to part with just to crank the engine before we even start talking. The V8 families, I call them. For some, it is the price of being intellectually up there, being a spiritual firebrand, being able to cope with different customs including food, traditions, values, language, skin colour stereotypes and general way of life. For others, the price is to be able to blend into a certain class and being able to flow with certain line of conversation, a way of thinking and mannerisms. For some yet, it is the price of fear. Everything from that family was earned through the hard way that no little expenditure is seen as little, and every little laxity in spending is seen as prodigal.

The knowledge of this is not to scare you off; it is to help you decide if you have what it takes to pay that price and if you are willing and able to pay that price. Sometimes it helps you simply walk away.

A Black African man marries a white Lady, and due to certain cultural differences, marries another African woman in secrecy just so they can end up with someone they can identify with. People from 'ok' backgrounds [usually men] marry rich people [usually girls], and they complain about the crazy demands, expectations and lifestyles. People from families where both parents are living together marry from broken homes and live in terror because their spouses do not trust them, are paranoid or are abusive.

I do not know what you want to do with this information, but sit back and look at the family you are going into....look at the price you will pay for becoming a part of that family. Forget love and all the emotional stuff for a minute, and look at the reality of it. Are you willing and able to pay the price? No one ever went into a marriage with the view to breaking it; it only breaks up, most often, after the things they feared from the onset spring to life and start dancing in their face or haunt their dreams.

People are not just as they appear; we are a collage of all the experiences we have had, and how they have all influenced us. Do not forget it. Some backgrounds and upbringings do not just go away with marriage; some people do not change who they are after years of socialisation. They suppress them to get along until it becomes unbearable, then who they truly are resurfaces. God bless you if your marriage turns out differently; most often the price just gets ridiculously through the roof. Look before you jump. If you can't pay do not acquire. Prayer may not change much. That is why God gave you the vision before the commitment.

Homes are breaking up NOT ALWAYS because of an evil partner or their friends or relatives or the altar in your village; they are breaking up because of the differences in socialisation, which influences perception of the world around, how that world is interpreted and how it influences one's behaviour. People think and act in the way they see the world as shaped by their experience... Experiences of wealth, poverty, conflict, need for love, need for security, freedom, decisiveness, indecision, authority, lack of authority, faith, religion, ethnicity, language (verbally and symbolic) education, exposure among others. These things don't change overnight. There is no Harry Potter magic wand for that. If it took 25 to 30 years to shape them, before you met them, you don't expect them to change in 2 years because you are the new kid on the block. So as she is, can you pay the price of accepting her? Can you walk with him for the next 15 years before he finally decides to see it and do it your way? You can't? Great. I just saved you from a certain divorce.

PG Sebastian
All Rights Reserved.