Building Relationships We Can All Be Proud Of

Thursday, 20 April 2017

I AM A GOOD MAN, HELP ME STAY GOOD.


Contrary to the popular belief that, ‘All men are cheats’ I wish to state that not every man goes around cheating and chasing girls. Not every man is incapable of knowing and respecting boundaries. Not every man is a sick base creature with no sense of self-restraint. We may need to look at the micro issues that may lead a good man out of his home into the arms of another woman. Whereas no marital indiscretion is justifiable, we need to accept the existential fact that all though not every human action is justifiable, we still do them.

This article is not about the ‘what should be' and the 'what must be'. It looks at the ‘what is’ and the consequences of these whats. Humans, religious and non-religious, pragmatic and idealist are motivated by self-interest. If a human being is not restrained, therefore, there is no end to what they can do in order to self-sustain. This, to me, should influence the actions of everyone in the bedroom, especially the new breed of women, who use the religious and the moral predispositions of their husbands to manipulate them. The women who know that their husbands would not seek solace anywhere, and if they do, they have the society and the church to, as usual, accuse them of not being any different from the rest of the dogs. This article is not about the average Joe; the regular husband who takes decisions on fidelity based on what is convenient to him. This article is about the good men you and I know, the ones when given a chance would catch a bullet for their wives.

Sometimes a man stands at a place, looking at a woman who just wants him to be hers, and she would give her all, and looks back at how he struggles to be wanted, needed, accepted in a home he is supposed to find rest, peace, and love. Most often than not, it is in this position that many lose their breath and fall into the hands of the woman close enough and sensitive to see their frustration and desperation.

Yes, I know you will say cheating is no excuse no matter what goes on in your home. True. I agree. And I will agree with you when you conclude that God and this life will deal with him somehow. But do you think a thirsty man calculates the number bacteria he is gulping down when offered water from anything that looks like a cup? Think about it. He may drink and find a remedy later, but he may have drunk it. The mistake we do is that we assume everyone is somehow, morally or spiritually restrained in their actions. That is the ideal... but in reality? Nope! Not even you always put the care of someone ahead of your own personal discomfort….especially when the source of the discomfort is the one you are expected to show care. Don't for once assume everyone is controlled by the Spirit of God or some moral code. So watch your own actions.

Oh, and God (and society, if it comes out) will not hold you guiltless as long as it was your action that led him astray. Jesus said to his disciples: "Things that cause people to stumble are bound to come, but woe to anyone through whom they come. Luke 17:1. It is there. Always remember that you cannot kill him silently in the bedroom and cover it up because in our society men don't complain, and a woman can cover it up with tears. Sorry ladies, but while I loathe with every fibre in me the horrors many of you are facing in your bedrooms at the hands of monsters parading as humans…and men at that, I need you to appreciate that some of your kind are really sending their men to their graves, silently, quietly, innocently…and sometimes…almost professionally.

He could be your brother, your best friend, your father. Tell me how you would feel if you heard another woman treat him how you treat him. Tell me if it would be OK for your brother to recount to you, as his experience, the horror stories of your own bedroom.

We know you do not respect his views because he is not as rich and successful as your boss your brother, your father... Your ex... Maybe. We know. We are aware you starve him in bed because he has not earned his place in between your thighs. Oh yes, we know. We know you loathe him and it shows in how you relate to him, his gifts for you, affection towards you and his presence. Oh please don't deny it. It is obvious.

So you see, as smelly as the house help is, without education, class or anything, you still will not understand why he went after her. You will not figure out what is with the acne covered secretary...why no one but sister Grace of long skirt and big blouse fame. You will not know why your husband will even dream about a little girl who is probably young enough to be his daughter... What you don’t realise, and if you do, would find it difficult to accept is, at least there, and with these unworthy women (as you may see them), a measure of his manhood is respected. It is only when he is with them that he feels like a man again.

So why not, he would sacrifice his marital vows just to hear someone say ‘please,’ ‘thank you,’ ‘I appreciate it’ and  ‘I am sorry.’ Someone who gives him affection in bed with no conditions… with no loathing; with no spite. He will risk the consequences of his actions to sell his birthright for a bowl of pottage. Oh, sure he will pay dearly in the end; no one is justifying a wrong. But you, my dear sister, will also pay dearly.

You will never understand… the same way he will never figure out why you loathe him the way you do. In your thinking, that is lust; that is a weak man who has no self-control and is trying to find an avenue to justify his indiscretion. Probably you may even call the author a male Chauvinistic pig, who only thinks of how to perpetuate the social patriarchy and the worshipping of the male ego. I will not fault you...Why would I? You would have succeeded in lying to yourself that you are an angel, your man is a demon; you cannot be blamed for any marital problems...it is all and always his fault. How can I help you see the folly in this position? I can't. You will keep your views until divorce becomes so common that we may have to throw Divorce Parties for the newly divorced. And In all of this, the man will be guilty with no one willing to listen to him...in a society where it is abnormal for men to complain about marital struggles.


Before you come saying some men are dogs, they will still cheat regardless of what you do, take a pause and think hard about this. Is it ALWAYS the case? Can you, before God, say you don't know any woman who is literally driving her man mad and out? You know such a woman? Good, it is such we are talking about today.

If another woman can do it, my sister, my mother, my daughter, my friend, you can. Be interested in your marriage, be interested in your man. Love him, want him, desire him. Men do not thrive on sex; they thrive on respect. It is where a man finds respect that he plants his sexual seeds. One of the greatest regrets a man can carry is to know he messed up a woman who respects him. Many are held back when they remember the respect their wives have for them. Respect is tightly knitted into their ego. Respect him, and his ego is inflated. Women, who snatch men, know this trick and use it. Guess what, it works all the time. As a wife, you need to employ this took too.

On a normal day, I ask men to up their games. If they claim this world is a man's world, and they are large and in charge, they need to prove it and take responsibility for their actions. But I also know for a fact, women are not inanimate objects in relationships or marriages, and every conflict has multiple sides. Enough of always blaming men for their mess; but of course it is their mess, and they are responsible. However, we need to be honest about the parts each one of us play...especially the women so we can all, hand in hand, work it.

Sometimes, with a little help, a good man will stay good. And if it is beyond you, give it to God.

PG Sebastian 2017
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