Building Relationships We Can All Be Proud Of

Tuesday, 16 February 2016


Many young couples today are struggling to make the transition from single life to married life. Some walk around with nothing but a ring and a few wedding pictures to show they are married. Their choice of company, recreation, dominant thoughts and themes of conversation show a man or woman still steeped waist deep in their singleness.

Today I want to talk about one such transition many young couples need to make – the transition from Me and I to Us and We. It is one area you find a lot of singleness in expression. I did this, I did that. Let me do this, let me do that. After marriage, however, we move from individuality and closet dwelling within the broader community of marriage, to an altruistic and open dorm kind of living and expression.  

Once you marry your vocabulary must change in certain areas of your speech. The 'I' or 'Me' must give way to 'We or 'Us'. It shows togetherness, one front, one direction and a mechanical solidarity. There will be things that we may still capture in the individual ‘I’ or ‘Me’ sense because they are not representative of the couple. There are, however, certain things that, though in truth are individually manifested or executed, are symbolic of the union and indicative of the degree of cohesion and synergy. These things are best described in the collective sense to send a certain kind of signal to any observing party.

A woman who keeps using 'I/ME' when making references to family issues, paints her husband in a bad light, as though he is irresponsible and not up to his duties. Even if that is the case, you use WE/US to cover it up for him. Eg, WE bought a house. WE have bills and School fees to pay, so WE cannot be of Help. On behalf of my husband and myself, WE are making this donation. WE have decided to do this, or WE have decided not to do that.

A man who keeps using 'I/ME', relegates his wife to the background, silences her and reduces her to one of the many people and things he takes care of, creating the impression she is of little consequence in the realities surrounding him. Using the WE and US shows a sense of involvement on the part of the woman. That gives her a sense of belonging, calms her fears about the future and elevates her in the eyes of those around. Eg. WE are putting money aside to take the family on vacation. This action of yours is an attack on US etc

My dear young man and women, the two becoming one is not a magical transformation. You work hard and consciously at it. To get there, you must be willing to lose a measure of yourself, your individuality and personal space for it; you must develop your altruistic side and be willing to see beyond yourself.

PG Sebastian
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