Building Relationships We Can All Be Proud Of

Thursday, 18 February 2016

A NUGGET OF WISDOM #9: DO NOT RESCUE ANYONE FROM A BAD RELATIONSHIP...LET THEM END IT FIRST.

If anyone is tired of their relationship, let them walk out first before you welcome them to the other side of the fence. You are not with the Fire Service or the Coast Guard. Do not listen to the rant and rave about her man or his woman and the endless lamentations of how they wish you could take them out of that relationship. Do not aid someone to break up a relationship so you can date them...do not entice them to walk out. Let them act of their own will. 

People need to take responsibility for walking out of any relationship so they can own that decision. Let them face their worst fears. One of the greatest burdens you can carry is for someone to make you feel that if you had not intervened in their relationship, they would be happy in it. And this happens when their expectations of you are not met, while where you took them from appears to be blossoming. Whenever you help someone out of a relationship, whether they would have walked out or not, you appear to be the snatcher.

A person who encourages you to rescue them out of a bad relationship is callous; when they are fed up with you, they will encourage others help them out. They do not confront their problems neither do they walk away from it; they let the responsibility of that decision, the task and the dirty job of actually carrying it out, fall on others. Women usually employ this tactics to exit bad relationships.

Men use the same strategy to get women, not so they can leave their wives or girlfriends for them, no, but rather to use these unsuspecting love stricken women who fall for their lies. Most men who complain bitterly about their wives always go back to them so why allow such men to use you?


I understand how you feel about her and that terrible guy...I understand how you wish you could rescue him from that lady.... Hold it...soon you will understand there may be nothing wrong with their partners. It may turn out that it is rather their own instability and weakness which makes them sway and uncertain as to where they want to be. 

You are a banker, not the police or fire service. The fire guys rescue helpless people; bankers need clients to commit before they give them loans. Let the person commit to date you by ending all other relationships before you commit to them in a monogamous relationship.


I said you are not the police. Do not take anyone out of any perceived danger. 

PG Sebastian
All Rights Reserved .

Tuesday, 16 February 2016

A NUGGET OF WISDOM #8: MAKING THE TRANSITION FROM 'I' TO 'WE'.... 'ME' TO 'US'

Many young couples today are struggling to make the transition from single life to married life. Some walk around with nothing but a ring and a few wedding pictures to show they are married. Their choice of company, recreation, dominant thoughts and themes of conversation show a man or woman still steeped waist deep in their singleness.

Today I want to talk about one such transition many young couples need to make – the transition from Me and I to Us and We. It is one area you find a lot of singleness in expression. I did this, I did that. Let me do this, let me do that. After marriage, however, we move from individuality and closet dwelling within the broader community of marriage, to an altruistic and open dorm kind of living and expression.  

Once you marry your vocabulary must change in certain areas of your speech. The 'I' or 'Me' must give way to 'We or 'Us'. It shows togetherness, one front, one direction and a mechanical solidarity. There will be things that we may still capture in the individual ‘I’ or ‘Me’ sense because they are not representative of the couple. There are, however, certain things that, though in truth are individually manifested or executed, are symbolic of the union and indicative of the degree of cohesion and synergy. These things are best described in the collective sense to send a certain kind of signal to any observing party.

A woman who keeps using 'I/ME' when making references to family issues, paints her husband in a bad light, as though he is irresponsible and not up to his duties. Even if that is the case, you use WE/US to cover it up for him. Eg, WE bought a house. WE have bills and School fees to pay, so WE cannot be of Help. On behalf of my husband and myself, WE are making this donation. WE have decided to do this, or WE have decided not to do that.

A man who keeps using 'I/ME', relegates his wife to the background, silences her and reduces her to one of the many people and things he takes care of, creating the impression she is of little consequence in the realities surrounding him. Using the WE and US shows a sense of involvement on the part of the woman. That gives her a sense of belonging, calms her fears about the future and elevates her in the eyes of those around. Eg. WE are putting money aside to take the family on vacation. This action of yours is an attack on US etc

My dear young man and women, the two becoming one is not a magical transformation. You work hard and consciously at it. To get there, you must be willing to lose a measure of yourself, your individuality and personal space for it; you must develop your altruistic side and be willing to see beyond yourself.

PG Sebastian
All Rights Reserved 

Wednesday, 10 February 2016

A NUGGET OF WISDOM #7: LET GO OF THIS...GRAB AHOLD ON THAT!


During the Second half of 2015, I had a deep conviction to let some things go, free my hands off some loads, cut some associations loose, end some friendships and ruffle a patch of grass to see what will spring out. As I prayed hard about it, I realised that every step I took in order to hold on, drove me farther from what I was fighting to protect. I realised, in the end, it was of no use. I sat back and watched a lot of things collapse on different fronts; things I prided myself in fell right through my fingers. I watched as people I called friends moved to a place of antagonism due to the heat; a lot of close associates felt alienated. I felt as though I was the loneliest soul on the planet by the turn of the year.

Regardless of how I felt, there was an overwhelming conviction that God was in it. I remembered Joseph who decided to act differently and the cost he bore. I remembered Moses who had to be dried up in the wilderness for 40 years in order to be qualified for an assignment. I remembered David who had to be a fugitive for years, and had to fight a bloody 7-year civil war in order to consolidate the throne under him after the death of Saul. I remembered all that and said to myself, this is not the reign of Solomon; it's not the time of merry making and a season of peace.  It's time of building and establishment therefore the need to have a soldier mentality; I had to be tough. I knew I had to obey before complaining otherwise I may give in to the pressures confronting me and agree to fit in. I set my face like a flint and moved. I moved alone, but I moved fast. Moving alone did not mean I was going through life alone; it meant I needed speed to move from one location to the other, in order to catch up with the next generation of burden.

I did not know the springtime was just at the base of the precipice I was free falling off. I did not know God was overhauling me. On Monday the 8th OF February 2016, I stood awe-stricken as this amazing woman I call my Mother called me and said, ‘I trust you, because God trusts you. I will give you a single task, which is more demanding, sacrificial and yet more rewarding before God and man than any burden you can put on yourself. SHE handed me a Cross bigger, better, and Glorious than any that I could have ever put upon myself through the works of my hands.

Instantly, I understood why I had to let everything go and clear the distraction in order to see HER standing and waiting for me to ask, "Please what is God saying this stubborn and erratic young man should do?" And right after I asked HER, SHE gave me my task. She did not need years to consult; the assignment was waiting for me to come along. 

Today a lot of you are convicted to let go of many things. Many of you have a swaying press to release yourselves from some relationships, friendships,  associations,  churches, cliques and the lot. The pressure to stay, however, is so overwhelming. Sometimes, in your bid to break free, your actions appear insane, not just to others but even in your own eyes, you end up conforming. But you see, if your hands are full of granite, it's the pearls you can't have space for. The opportunity cost you bear for what you need to let go but don't want to, is the many other things you can't have. We can't be everywhere at every time and we can't have everything at every time. We do not have unlimited space, time and resources. Sometimes, we just need to make rational yet hard decisions based on a sound scale of preference, having the NOW and the FUTURE in the full spectrum of consideration. Some times for the greater cause and the sleepless nights, you need to make the blistering choices. Granite has its uses, pearls have theirs too; know when to keep which and when to let go of which. If you cannot make hard sacrifices today for a better tomorrow, it is the blights of today that will repeat themselves tomorrow.



There is a time for war and frugality; hard choices to make in the areas of finance, relationship, prayer, education, emotions and the rest. There is a time to undertake certain sacrificial measures to streamline certain aspects of our lives so the future runs better with less hitches. There is also a time to sit back and enjoy the fruits of your labour. Fight prodigality, fight senseless relationships, fight wasting lifestyles, war in your prayer room, take certain educational and career decisions and fight certain associations so you can have the best kind. Somewhere in the future, you will have peace to enjoy your struggles. Life is too short so have fun, they say. What if you live to be 80 and your bank account refuses to respond to resuscitation? Life is not always short – it specialises in making itself painfully long and lacklustre for those who thought it was furiously short and fast.  

There comes a time in every young person’s life when you cannot be politically correct about the existential convictions that haunt your sleep; the deep calling and yearn of the soul to fulfil that which it feels drawn to. There comes a time a measure of madness is needed to clear the temple of traders so its original purpose would be restored. We have to be unconventional enough to stop the stoning of a guilty person to prove that we cannot always run our lives on the status quo even when we know that status quo is built on sinking sands. Captain Thomas Sankara (former president of Upper Volta, now Burkina Faso) said ‘You cannot carry out fundamental change without a certain amount of madness. In this case, it comes from nonconformity, the courage to turn your back on the old formulas, the courage to invent the future. It took the madmen of yesterday for us to be able to act with extreme clarity today. I want to be one of those madmen. We must dare to invent the future’

To invent the future, you need to make some sacrifices today; and the word sacrifice, speaks for itself. Do not eat your dessert before the main meal. Do not have fun now and fight in the future when you should be resting. Desserts only fill your stomach and create a sensation of fullness. It is the high that keeps you from the reality that you have really not eaten anything. It is the high that subsides in no time keeping you awake at night hungry. Do not be enticed; follow proper order. Know what comes first; do not confuse the décor with the actual block work. A house needs something solid to stand on beyond the beautiful façade we see in the end.

There is no time as the wrong time to rethink, re-chart and reroute the course of our lives. I sit back and I am asking....wooow.... was this why I nearly went into depression last year? Then every bit of it was worth it.



PG Sebastian 

2016. All Rights Reserved. 

Friday, 5 February 2016

A NUGGET OF WISDOM #6: THE HOME IS A SHARED RESPONSIBILITY

Let not a woman force a man, in the name of modernity, to go to the kitchen. Let not a man insist that a woman supports him in paying the bills. If your man decides not to lift a finger in the kitchen, it is no excuse to starve him and your household. If your wife decides to spend all her money on herself...well it’s your duty as a man to still provide for the home.


However, as a sign of support and show of consideration, in a very demanding society where work and financial pressure on couples means we cannot compartmentalize and segment our traditional offices, let a man help his wife in the home keeping duties when she is overwhelmed. Let him help with conflicting pressing needs like the kids, dinner and carry-home office work. In the same vain, let the woman be discerning enough, knowing and being willing to help the man out in times of financial crunch when it comes to the bills and other household expenses. Let her learn to throw in her dime or pesewa into the family money box.

Society has a name for a man who is always in the kitchen and woman whose husband is always in the kitchen while she watches telenovela. And they have a name for a man whose wife pays all the bills and a woman who pays all the bills while her hubby loiter around.

The home is a shared and balanced responsibility. Couples need to come to terms with this reality and help each other along the way.

PG Sebastian
All Rights Reserved 


Wednesday, 3 February 2016

A NUGGET OF WISDOM #5: WHEN PREGNANCY TAKES THE GLITTER AWAY, STILL LOVE HER!

The first trimester of every pregnancy can be very unsettling for most woman (some even last for the entire duration of the pregnancy). It is further aggravated in a situation where the woman works in a demanding environment. During this time (and sometimes for the rest of the 9 months) there are cravings, mood swings and weight gain. Some women spit around, others get never-ending bouts of morning sickness and its attending vomiting, a feeling of laziness, general fatigue and a miasma of grouchy feeling. Name it....they get it.

The least any man can do for his wife is to be patient and have a big heart the size of China to contain it all. There is no need to be upset, rude, irritated or abusive. Clearly you put it all in there. Try and ease the daily workload off her, especially for first timers. Excessive exertion may cost both of you something precious. 

During this period, the sense of taste and smell take on a mind of their own. Some women tend to be sensitive to many smells and some crave for some of the weirdest things. Be firm but gentle in drawing her away from potentially harmful things that may affect the fetus when ingested. Be sensitive to her needs and cut down on things with scents and aroma that she may find nauseating. Help her in the kitchen, both of you should be extra careful when it comes to wet floors, stairways and bathrooms. A slip may cost you. 

Not every woman gets the chance to be pregnant and not every man gets the chance to get his wife in that position. If your wife is in that position, be happy for her and yourself.

Some women lose their glitter and swag; some forever, others for the moment of the pregnancy. Always love her for who or what she is becoming and help her adjust to it. After the period, help her come back to her normal self in terms of weight and shape. There is no need to write her off and make her feel like she is cursed. She is lovely.... it's only pregnancy playing a prank on her.

Help her go through the process. You cannot help her carry the baby (as long as you are not Caithlyn Jenner), but you can help in other ways. Be handy, cut down on your other social (not so needful) activities, research and read around (especially first timers) and build up knowledge. There are so many apps online that you can use to monitor and measure some of the behaviours expected at each stage of the pregnancy. If you can squeeze the time, make her appointment at the doctor's place with her and take in some of the things they will tell her. Some women literally sit in front of the doctor with their minds on some Waakye from the most rundown part of the city. Help her eat right. too much or too little may not help. Help her take her supplements and ensure that she exercises moderately; not watching TV and calling it exercise yet not running from Shiashi to Sakumono and calling it a stroll. 

During the nine months period of pregnancy, the woman, due to all the above personal drama and sometimes more serious complications, may not be in the position to give to the man all that the stallion in him may desire. For some, it is a total shutdown of the SERVER until the bug is finally brought out. That is 9 months of seeing and not being able to BROWSE. The greatest sacrifice a man can make for his wife is the sacrifice of his fidelity and faithfulness during these challenging times. When there is nothing, however, preventing you from having intimate moments with her, please in the name of the wedding vows, shine it! Oh yea, let your boring neighbours redefine their bedroom priorities.

Pregnancy can be a tough area in marriage for some couples. But then... no one says it will be easy; marriage is not always a bed of roses. 

Go out there and be a superman. 



PG Sebastian
All Rights Reserved