Building Relationships We Can All Be Proud Of

Thursday, 28 January 2016

A NUGGET OF WISDOM #4: KNOW WHAT YOU WANT BEFORE YOU COMMIT

We are surrounded by a lot of time wasters. Some of them are in for fun, others are looking for serious relationships which might not be the type of relationships we are looking for.

If you are not specific as to who or what you want in a relationship, you may always end up in a relationship in order to decide whether you like it or not. This, I need not tell you, might be costly, as your character and morality would eventually be called into question even though you may not necessarily be an immoral person. The question would always be, ‘So how come you can’t stay in any relationship?’

Entering a relationship in order to test it to decide whether you want it or not, can also cost you your future as you could get tied down by someone who would not want you to go. They can impregnate you, or get pregnant and force you to marry them [And refusing to marry them might not be a simply matter for you to decide]. Others can manipulate you into marrying them. It is happening all the time. People are settling in marriages they genuinely wish they are not in because of pressures from quarters they cannot just shake off.

Again, It has an opportunity cost. Every single day you spend with someone, is another person you cannot spend that time with. What it means is that while you are with one person TRYING to SEE whether it would work out or not, the person with whom it could have actually worked perfectly, would probably just walk by, get taken before you are free to pursue them. They say if it is meant to be, it would be; I say don’t bank your hopes on that. Some opportunities are but once, don’t be at the wrong place when they show up.

If you know what you want in the market of love, you won’t spend time asking about the prices of non-essentials. If you want to fry pan cake, what business do you have asking for prices of beef and Cocoyam? But you are asking for prices of Beef and Cocoyam because you are not sure what you want. Know what you want before you show up in the market of love. It makes selection easier and less stressful.

Again, once you are specifically sure of the kind of person you want and the kind or relationship you want to have, it aids you in searching for them at the right place. You do not hang around cheap pubs in the run down parts of town and have male friends who are predominantly musicians if you intend to marry a Lawyer or a Medical doctor. You don’t spend all your free time in the club, smoking and drinking and expecting, in the end, to find a God fearing virgin woman there. Look for the kind of love you are looking for from the right places.

You do not need to dive into a pool of water just to test the temperature; just dip your finger in it. That is how you test it. Be sure before you commit emotionally, sexually, financially, spiritually and psychologically. Be sure. Before someone can put their claim over you as a boyfriend or a girlfriend, be sure this is exactly what you want. Observe, study, ask probing questions, do background checks before you commit. And if that is too much for them to handle, direct them to the exit at the left corner. No one got a good marriage by simply trusting and walking in ignorance; they got it by being circumspective.

PG Sebastian
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Tuesday, 26 January 2016

A NUGGET OF WISDOM #3: A HEART SUBMITTED TO GOD WILL MAKE IT WORK

'...My wife is like that', '...and my husband did that', '...and I am tired', '...I want to walk out of this marriage'. Shut up already! It is always ‘I’ and ‘Me’. How about a little bit of selflessness and commitment? Why is it now a trench war between us and them? How do we explain two people becoming one and yet keep the 'US Vs Them' and 'Me Vs You' narrative?  

The things that break up marriages today were things our parents silently ate dinner over and forgot about the following morning. Instead of keeping quiet and focusing on the issue and finding workable ways of fixing it, we bury ourselves in social media, friends, the haunting deception of our economic independence and class standing, and how we cannot existentially reconcile with our spouses with the humility that is expected of us as husbands and wives in order to keep our marriages working. (Read that sentence again…I know it is a long one)

We are living in quick-fix world; everything is done in matter of minutes. Any 'long-things' is not tolerated. Couples don't have time for each other to come along. They would rather break up and go single and lonely for five years, perching other people's lovers and engaging in rather inappropriate sexual rendezvous, than spend a few months and commit themselves to fixing their differences. We marry on faulty premises because we do not have time to study people in our lives and ask all the questions there is to ask at the premarital stage.

We have become a generation that is in a hurry; running at such top speed yet going nowhere. We are burning the fuel of life, wearying ourselves and losing our glitter with unnecessary scratches and dents and getting stupid tickets from life's police. We need a lot of patience if this whole business of love and family is to survive for another 50 years.

We need a big heart that only spirits submitted to God and molded into a Godly Character can bring forth. Give the steering wheel to Him, willya? 

PG Sebastian 
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A NUGGET OF WISDOM #2: LET THEM TALK

Immediately you start getting concerned about the feelings and opinions of friends, onlookers and people who think they can talk, rather than those of your spouse, know that your affection, confidence and focus on your marriage is compromised. It's just like having low such self-esteem to the point where the things people say define who you are rather than what you know you are really made of.

Let them talk and leave them to spew their opinions about your marriage. Love like there is no tomorrow. Bride price is not cheap; if you paid one or had one paid on you, then don't bother about what others say. Let them play with their marriages on the altar of expedience, hearsay, 'others-People's-opinions' and unexamined cliches.  Appreciate what you have if you do not have any verifiable reason to act otherwise.

Hold hands in public, show up at weddings and other social gatherings together. Keep your wedding ring on. Talk about your spouse and let your conversation be littered with their names and their acts. Let the world know you are bold and confident about who you chose; who you share your body, your heart and mind and your bed with. 

No one has confidence in what you have if you do not exude confidence around it. If anyone can talk you out of an idea it means you are not confident about it and it is not for you. It is the same way if you can be talked out of your marriage by mere talkers who cannot even prove their worth by keeping a relationship. Let me see your scars as a Knight and I will believe you are battle hardened; I am sorry, in this place, we take knights in shiny armors with a pinch of salt. A Knight in A Shiny Armor is a knight that may have not seen action. Just saying.

In this age where everyone is talking, be discerning as to who you are listening to. Not every noise is worth zoning in on, and not every lead is worth chasing. Keep the focus on what God has given to you and pray about it to perfection. Do your part and let God do His part. 

As a wife let your ways please the Lord and as a husband submit to the headship of God. If a man is submitted to God, his wife submits to him naturally because he treats his wife as God would treat her. If a woman's ways please God, the love God causes her husband to show her is unbelievable. 

Let's work it. In other news, haters are still talking...but well... Let them talk. You will invite them to your 25th Wedding Anniversary. 

PG Sebastian
All Rights Reserved. 

A NUGGET OF WISDOM #1: YOU DON'T HAVE TO TELL YOUR FAMILY EVERYTHING ABOUT YOUR SPOUSE.

Be measured and calculated in the things you pass on to your family members when you marry. Learn to keep your marriage off the radar in your sister-sister, brother-brother and the caucus meetings of various mixes. Until it gets to the point where telling them is a must for the PURPOSE of finding a badly needed solution, be wise in your utterances.

God willing, this marriage will heal and all the drama will end; I believe it. I cannot say same for the image they may have formed about your spouse after the problem is solved. One day you will wake up and notice that you appear foolish to your siblings, and your spouse is lowly esteemed in family gatherings because they cannot accept that you two are still together. Most cannot accept that after all the bits and pieces of information they have picked up from you, you are still holding hands and enjoying your marriage. A lot of relatives may not be able to deal with it.

And why is this? Because you tell them everything. Because the not-so-important issues appear important because of how you present them; how you presented your side and how you are gliding on the wings of their biases.

Most spouses do not know why faces are always straight when they show up, when they speak or give an opinion and they feel your family members are not particularly receptive. Well, watch what you have been saying…. You may be the source of this tension.

Defend them like you would want to be defended, cover up their weakness and help your family keep their respect for your spouse. This is the meaning of leaving and cleaving; alas the two becoming one.

PG Sebastian 
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