Building Relationships We Can All Be Proud Of

Thursday, 4 December 2014

SPIES, GUARDS AND FOO FIGHTERS

We say some people are dexterous at turning anthills into towering mountains. To a good extent, this may be true, however, it is also true that how we respond to such people can be the actual catalyst that leads them on that path. 

We have a tendency to personalize, in a very spatial way, issues we are required to open up to our partners. I get people using expressions like, 'he is interrogating me', or, 'she is sounding distrustful'. Much as we may have personal spaces we feel the need to protect, sometimes we read too much meanings into our spouses' approach to us. It is a state of mind. If you fear a dog will bite you, even when it yawns you feel agitated. When a dog you know is harmless growls, you pay no heed. It is perception. Sometime we assume our partners are out to get us therefore get unnecessarily defensive and agitated at their questions and inquiries. 

We should learn to trust that they are not out to get us. I doubt if all your partner's questions are meant to pin you down. If so, what happened? How did they get to this point? If that is how they have always been, why did you end up with them? Why spend your life with an interrogator on a journey meant to be fun?   

Be open so your partner can trust you without much effort. Be responsive and forthcoming with information on issues they seek clarifications on. No one backs down when a question or an inquiry is avoided or evaded.  They may not press much but in their hearts and minds are battles that will leave them worn out, irritable and unnecessarily suspicious.

To you, it is their own cup of tea; well a happy and secure partner is a happy you. It takes a few minutes to indulge your partner to make them feel at ease, whereas it's can take months to clear up suspicion once it takes roots. 

Do not assume their questions and enquiries are stupid, petty and ridiculous;  do not let them feel they are not smart by being curious. That is a polished up insult. When you find yourself in their shoes you will realise questions and inquiries can be emotionally rather than logically generated. 

When you indulge your partner, you set a good precedence for the home/relationship which becomes a moral code they are expected to live by. 

Communication has broken down in many homes because after trying unsuccessfully for a period, one partner has decided it is not worth it trying to find out anything...even if it is the minutest of information. And they come to this decision when they always get discouraging feedback like silence, avoidance, cheeky response or yes-and-no answers. 

Many married couples and those in dedicated relationships have found companionship in friends and other people of the opposite sex who fill in the roles of their partners as far as companionship and basic attention is concerned. Much as this is wrong, this reality is a natural consequence of their marital and love experiences. 

For a lot of people this is no big deal until they realize their spouses are completely tuned off. They may not be tuned off in the end only in the area of communication, but in other areas such as fidelity, affection, trust and respect. 

PG Sebastian 
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