Building Relationships We Can All Be Proud Of

Monday, 24 November 2014


Yesterday afternoon was a cleanup time for me. I stuffed the Washer with clothes while I tackled the kitchen. I had this Smoked Chicken and Pork stew I had prepared during one of the Dumsor days; I got the pepper wrong. Welcome to the world of powdered pepper when the blender is off. And since my tummy can’t handle much pepper, the stew was technically  a waste of time and precious resources. 

So yesterday I had to take a decision on the stew. More importantly, however, I needed the sauce pan for something else. The final decision was to throw the stew away.  I have the habit of disposing off organic stuff in the backyard just to boost up the soil. So I went out to do just right that. 

When I dipped the ladle in and I was about bringing it out, the overbearing aroma of Curry, Cloves and garlic hit me so hard I paused. I looked at the stew again and wondered if I really wanted to dispose of it. It looked nice, the aroma was incontrovertibly mouthwatering; the reality was it was a good piece of culinary work by yours truly, the PG. But, well, the pepper was a bit over the top; don’t hate me on that – A regular person can eat it without breaking a sweat. 

I chose to stay with the original plan, threw the stew away and went in to clean the pan. While cleaning it a thought hit me and I feel this need to share with you.

The first thing that hit me was the fact that I was throwing a good stew away. I was not thinking of all those who could have eaten it. No I was in a selfish mode and all I was thinking was that I was throwing a good stew away. I could eat it, maybe add some ketchup to it; maybe remix it. Maybe take them in bits. Maybe… something but not just complete disposal. Nonetheless the primary reason for wanting to throw it away was still there; it was too peppery and my tummy couldn’t handle it. I also needed the sauce pan and I was not ready to transfer something I didn’t want that much into another sauce pan which will take space in the fridge. Throw it away. 

I found my corporeal trepidation the same as those people go through while dealing with things they need to dispose of; relationships they need to break, weddings they need to call off, side chicks they need to get rid of, loose ends they need to tie. 

Right after the need comes to get rid of the tumor; the cheating boyfriend, the confused and flirty girlfriend, the marriage you know won’t last a season if you proceed, a side chick who is tearing your marriage apart, a lose end your husband will find out in a matter of time, you find the sweet aroma of that indiscretion run over you, holding sway over you and dazing you. 

We ask questions and try to justify things, and in so doing give them one more of another second chance. We think through and rationalize we can manage things; monitor him closely so he does not cheat again, satisfy her more so she does not go around flirting and taking favors from men, cut down on the time you spend with this side chick so your wife will be happy, try and reduce the time you spend with this man you sorted yourselves out with before you married. But after you have taken time to think about it all, you realize you can’t let the man go, not with all the goodies he brings to the table. Your husband cannot match up. You cannot let your side chick go; your wife is too busy and boring in bed. You cannot break up the relationship or call the wedding off, too much people are involved in it now, too much time and resources invested in. How do you start again, where do you start from? How do you explain it to loved one? 

In the midst of all these peripheral questions, that will most likely make you change your mind, is the ultimate question – What led to the primary need to deal with the issue – this tumor? He cheated. She is a flirt who is confused between you and all the men in her life as a drunk is confused between a gutter and his car. Her relationship with you is ruining your family. His relationship with you is denying your husband the joy of having and keeping a woman he calls wife. That is the primary reason why you wanted to deal with the situation in the first place. 

Do not start rethinking it; do not start renegotiating the pain and the emergency. 

I am not the kind that takes hasty decisions without deeper thought. My natural tendency is to sleep over issues and decide on what to do. However, there are some issues, you strike while it is hot if you want to have the desired effect. All abusive relationships had had moments when the decision to end it should have been taken on the spot. However, there was a moment pause and the momentum was lost. 

The boyfriend begged and asked to be given another one of the countless second chances you seem to have a pile of. The flirting girlfriend put up a retro drama the size of ones seen on Broadway. The side chick threatened suicide, the loose end threaten the freezing of funds and cutting of ties and stopping of all the Dubai trips… 

You sit to think deep about it and start the mental renegotiation; we are humans, we make mistakes, you will say. Charlie, as for women, you know they are weak on emotions. Charlie, I can’t dump this girl like that. Well, I can’t do this to this man; he has done so much for me. So you return to the kitchen from where you went out; with the stew just like you took out. You make way for it in the fridge, from where you brought it. You keep it there forever hoping to find a use for it, until one day you realize you really need to get rid of it. 

For most people they realize it when it is too late. The man is married to you and you realize that he is still a cheat after all these years. You realize she is still flirting and taking favors from men, as if you are incapable of taking care of your home. You find out it is too late when your wife packs out and leave, leaving you to marry your side chick; a chick who is not ready to marry a man with two kids . Or worse given you a nasty slab of your share of the HIV business going round lately. You decide you have had your share of this man when all the trust your husband had for you is completely gone….if he has not physically left you. And what is a marriage without trust? It is more like two roommates enjoying a flammable peace and cohabitation. 

Keep your mind on the emergency and do not gloss over it. Deal with it while it is hot and do not let it cool off. Lava goes nowhere when it cools off. If you want to enjoy life keeping your heart and emotions with all diligence, then you need to stick to the plan and learn to deal with issues that must be dealt with speedily and without double mindedness.  

 PG Sebastian 
Copyrights 2014

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