Building Relationships We Can All Be Proud Of

Friday, 25 October 2013

BBM, ANDROID AND THE CONSERVATIVE CLOWNS

Yesterday on my way home I was chatting with my friend Onfaya and she asked me, 'So have you Downloaded the BBM unto your phone?' I had totally forgotten about the buzz that BBM was going public on other OS. Clearly after loosing nearly a Billion Dollars in sales in their second quarter performance in tandem with a huge loss in market share to the more adept and aggressive competitors like Samsung, they have finally discovered in a cave somewhere in Antarctica that the world does not revolve around Research In Motion; indeed the world is bigger and RIM with their rather conservative Smartphone and its OS is a part of the complex whole.

So nice and slowly I went to the Samsung App Market and got my BBM. After Downloading it, it took them over 8 hours to send me my PIN... Boys don't learn... Still slow and rigid after all these years. When I woke up this morning, I completed the setup and got my first contact... My wife; the rest followed.

While driving to work I was thinking to myself, 'what a waste of time; why has it taken Blackberry this long to do that very simple thing...opening up and being more adaptive and in tune with the market? Then my grandmother, bless Adwoa Nyarkoa Mercy,  reached out from the abyss of death and gently touched me on the right shoulder and asked, 'is Blackberry the only culprit?'

I thought about the question deeper. But I got nothing.

Then she whispered in a more audible way, 'Don't we all wait till we are at the brink before we change? Don't we all change only after we have suffered some irreparable loss, some catastrophic fate or something that will cost us more than we bargained for before we change?

I'm still thinking about it and I know it makes sense. Of course it makes sense; it is my Granny we talking about, she always made sense.

I know some of you reading this are still fighting with your partners over things you know you should let go, but your ego and pride will not let you; the fear of knowing it could mean you lost the course is too haunting for you to let go. So you are still holding on to past grudges that are eating you up in their slimy toothless mouths when you can just step out and catch the wind of peace.

Someone has been advised time and again to let that man go; to let that woman go so they can free their hands and heart to embrace that which is theirs, yet they do not want to look ahead into the future. They are happy dancing in the mirth of the NOW the bliss and false serendipity that comes with that illicit relationship.

Someone is daily being hounded to loss weight but they think it is an unnecessary bother to go through the hassle...too much a task to cut down on the sugar and the sweets and the spices of this ephemeral patch. Diabetes so what? Is it in my time that Hypertension would stop? Oya, make una dey bring the chofi and the Chibom make we chop. It is hot in the grave.

Everyday the beautiful light of the day rises, every single one of us is faced with the prospect of grabbing that life transforming opportunity... take that course, make that journey, write that book, write that blog, start that business, take that spiritual calling serious, call that willing-to-help individual whose complimentary card you have, visit your folks, give that gift, forgive that person, let go of that grudge, let go of that painful past, let go of that self-destroying lifestyle, walk out of that job...that relationship...that friendship circle... Everyday we wake up...we have these choices to make.

Like Blackberry, every day we procrastinate or play lazy or come up with self righteous justifications...is a priceless SOMETHING  we could be loosing elsewhere or in the very life we have. We may not see it coming...or we may see it coming but we may see it when we are not in the position to make that instant change. And it might be too late for us to flow with the tide.

Most often, the people who had it all worked out for them to make that move but took it for granted, often end up picking the next available option... and most often it is below what they really wanted... sometimes, it almost a cry and choice of desperation... Like Blackberry, it is like putting one of the their key features on platforms like Android and making it available to everyone...people who don't even know the cost of a Blackberry battery.

Don't delay any further in this bog you find yourself in, you may miss your tide and you may have to wade to the shore, holding on to anything that may seem to want to help, even root-less twigs

PG Sebastian
Copyright 2013.  

Tuesday, 22 October 2013

SOLILOQUY OF A DUMPED WOMAN




My name is Hetty. I am a graduate from the University of Cape Coast. I work with a Media Consulting Firm Somewhere in Accra, Ghana. I recently got dumped by a guy I was growing to like as I grew to know him. My sin, for which I was dumped, was the same sin for which many others like him, before him, have dumped me and a sin I will continue to commit till His Kingdom Come. 

If saving myself for my future husband is a sin worth being dumped for, then I would rather be a sinner than be righteous. 

I am in my mid-twenties and I have lost quite a good number of guys [I can’t count on one hand] in their twenties who first came with the same old tasteless line: I love you and I want to be with you. I want us to marry. I want us to bond better….Tasteless stupid lines. Aside my first boyfriend I contained for the longest time, the rest of the guys did not last longer than the cycle of the moon [and as a woman you should know the other cycle of moon I am referring to]. It always came down to the same thing; Can we make love? Then they follow it with length-less ‘litany of Gregorian chants of, How can we date and not share our bodies and bond? How can you claim you love me if you cannot share your body with me?’ 

Sometimes I am tempted to ask, how can you claim you love me if you cannot wait for the right time according to MY calendar to get into my panties? But then, I decide against asking; what is the use? The guy is thinking with his pee wee rather than his head; he is a lost course. No need to reason with him; drop him off like a cancerous habit already. Maybe I am too smart for my own good. I will not repeat Eve’s stupidity by arguing with a cunning Viper! I will lose, he will get me to bite the apple and I will join the longest queue of ladies who will give their second best to the man who is decent and honorable enough not to think of his penis [Oopss pardon my Chinese], but think of me as a human being worth respecting and whose family is worth respecting…and take me home and call me his wife. 

And come to think about it; each man I let go for not getting to my most sacred place, from whence men get to take a glimpse of the 7th Heaven in a cataclysmic convulsion of oohhss and aaahhsss and tonnes of Ohh My Gooosshhh, strengthens my resolve not to let the next man get that privilege. Logical isn’t it? Otherwise, the day I decide to let down my guard, I may as well invite all the men I ever loved but denied the sight of the Fabled 7th Heaven to line up and from the first right down to the newest, get them to take me. But that might either kill me or Kill me. Whichever way it happens, I will surely die, if not from physical exhaustion it might probably be emotional or maybe excessive bleeding. Can you imagine, taking about five guys in a single day; the same day I broke my virginity? Woow… that will be Gross-city!

So yes, I have decided to let them starve or curl up and die if they can’t wait. Starving they have, curling up and die? Not sure, though I am sure I have got a lot of pee wees curling up…not dying though. 

So this guy who recently dumped me was a guy I loved so much. I always wanted a man who was older than me; a man I could look up to, a man who was responsible and was going somewhere in life. No one should get me wrong; I have dated my age mates, those two years older, those a year younger… but sadly they all suffered from ESHCS as in Extreme Seventh Heaven Crave Syndrome. 

I was thinking at his age and stature, he wouldn’t mind taking it easy till we were ready to settle down. In his own words, ‘Í have been with enough women to last me a life time’ So I was sure this was the beginning of the many blissful moments to come for me. At last I could breathe. At last I could be with a man and not be haunted by someone suffering from ESHCS.

He wanted to meet my family. He was so ready to marry me. Eiii Me? Na medi3 me y3 hwan? [Me? But who am I?] Gosh, serious guys like that don’t come easily… They are far and apart. 

I spoke with my counselor about it and I was not so amused when he told me to take it easy and let the man work his way and prove his worth. His first advice was, do not open up your legs…you have closed it long and tight enough. One thing that will make Eve take a bite is when there is the prospect of being a custodian of something every human love…for Eve it was knowledge, for today’s woman, in this part of the world, it is marriage. Do not fall for the marriage trick. 

I was confused and not amused by the advice. That was when it occurred to me that much as I have kept other men out for all this while, I might…just might…with a bit of pressure and the prospect of laying hold unto this Gold Ring on my fourth finger, let him see heaven…and not just the one with Angels and Demons…but the Seventh Heaven…filled with Cherubs and all things pearly… 

I did not know I was that close to giving in, until I was told not to give in. That anger and confusion made me realize unconsciously I was slip sliding down the path of chastity… But can you blame me when everyone thinks it is an aberration for a lady not to get done once in a while. 

But my counselor is my counselor. He has done a lot for me, which in no small sense has protected me in the past and therefore I decided to please him. Please him, not me… just an indication of how I suddenly felt there was no need to fight to keep it again. 

Then slowly and surely the man in this Mister came up… And I told him, how sorry I was and how I really wanted him to give me every style in the book and outside of the book…but how sad I was to inform him, I am wearing a highly coded Panties the combination lock code of which was with my Pastor, the City Council and My Parents. I saw him undergo a sudden metamorphosis as he realized he must first go through all these people in a costly process to get the password to enter the glorious City Of The Valleys.

He was not the same man again. But I knew that phase would wear off or that face would wear off. One would surely have to go. Either he will go, or the urge will subside till he walked me down the aisle… and a big wedding it must be. Do you know how expensive it is to starve sexually just so you can give it to the winner? Cinderella had to walk without one shoe from China to Ghana to find her prince Charming… Oh yea, I am suffering…but I knew it would be worth the while. 

So days wore off, weeks followed and I realized maybe he will join the long list of the DGs….Disappointed Guys… 

But before I go on, let me say that I am not your typical hottie, but I have the kind of body that will make any man want to have a taste of me…and to know that I am that fresh, it gets them all mad…how will it be like to be the first to have that coveted flight to the Seventh Heaven. But when I look at myself, I know I am a good person, a decent lady. I come from a good background, seen by my parents and the people around me as a responsible person. So you see… I can’t disappoint people like that…not even myself.


So you will appreciate my utter shock when I learnt, Mister got married three weeks ago, to a lady he told me was his cousin because her name kept showing up on his phone. You would appreciate my complete disgust to know, this man would have tore me apart like a starving dog only for him to run off with his sweaty self and walk another woman down the aisle under a month of our supposed break up. You can imagine if I was a loose girl everyone was sleeping with, he would have come with the marriage trump card, slept with me, come up with a stupid argument and dump me. 

I may not know anyone with a similar story, but I can imagine ladies who thought they were the only Magajias until they heard their men were married weeks earlier…Ladies who have had their ex coming to beg for a comeback, leading them on to abandon their new relationships which were about to take off, only to be slept with and left in the middle of nowhere, stranded, lost and having lost twice. 

They say women have become callous, I say we have become the kind of women the men of today deserve. I will not cheat on a guy to get even for the sins of another guy from my past, but another woman who may have physically lost under similar conditions as mine, would. 

Men will not understand why their women are cruel, cold and corrupt; one word of advice before I go to celebrate my redemption. Whenever you see a cruel lady, look into the mirror, if you do not see your face, look closer, you may see another guy; a friend, a brother, your dad or just another guy…that is the true reflection of that woman. She has become you.  



Written for three lady friends of mine all of whom suffered the same fate from three different guys. 

PG Sebastian 
Copyrights 2013

Saturday, 19 October 2013

TO ALL WOMEN IN SEARCH OF INDEPENDENCE

Being independent as a woman, to me is not the same as being cocky, arrogant and thoughtless in speech and approach to things. For me it is about taking charge of your life diplomatically and exclusive of the intervention of anyone especially men. But then again some men see anything from a woman, which does not look like utter surrender to them, as arrogance. That, I can say, is a false stereotype and and unfair view of the woman who believes she can give something back to or influence society in a unique personal and woman-defined way. 

Where, I think, it all goes awry is when the woman develops porcupine spikes - first against other women and then against men, and sometimes acts as if everyone is out to get her. Yes some of their paranoia may have a basis, after all, like they say, 'it's a man's world.' 

I still believe a woman can be independent without making enemies for herself, fighting and screaming for others to recognise it. Surreptitiously and naturally, she can assert her independence and make people around her still love her; it is all in the delivery methodology. 

I will not go into it all and I cannot taking it from all the angles this broad topic may have; I will take it from the perspective of asserting your independence while dating as a woman. 

As you mature and put yourself out there as a material worth marrying, you must learn to put a few things in order about yourself. Being dependent on a man you are not married to, is one thing you must avoid at all cost. Unless you are totally helpless [with no family or work or any source of income to support you] do not allow a man you are not married to to take care of you. This I emphasise the more, when you are a working woman and you can take care of yourself.

Some ladies ask, 'how would you know if he can take care of you if he can't do it now?' I answer, 'How would he prove you can take care of him if you don't wash his clothes, cook for him, clean his house and get pregnant for him now?' Yes, I like the expression on your face. You will certainly not do that. A man you are not married to, need not take care of you to prove he can take care of you when he marries you.


Let me touch on something; giving of gifts. When it is done willingly, is not the same as taking care of you. So if you want to know what he can do when you are married, look at the things he does for you WITHOUT YOU ASKING OR BLACKMAILING HIM INTO. Asking for clothes and shoes[because he asked you out for a dinner], telling him about your damaged phone, the new shoes you want, the trip you want to go and all that? Now that is cheap and selling yourself to him and for the value of the things you demand from him. Why do you think he thinks you are his property? Why do you think he thinks he can control who you talk to and where you go to and all that? Why do you think he is attempting to influence which job to take for whatever self serving reason? Seriously if you were that independent of him, would he even gather the guts to get across some of the things he does? 

Now cast your mind back and look at your Mom or Aunt  or a friend who was a house-wife and depended on her husband to provide her every need and see how she was treated by the man. What happened to her voice? What happened to her opinion? What happened to her dreams? What happened to her face when she wanted to prove 'stubborn'.... What is/was her emotional state of being if she ever opened up to you?

Why must he get it for you if you can afford it? Some ladies complain their boyfriends are cheap because the boyfriends don't give them anything. Oh yea, some guys can be cheap. They give nothing for birthdays and special occasions, an entire year could pass and they would not give you a gift, pay for a salon treat... not even a card. But then how do you define 'being Cheap?' I guess it is all a function of the person's financial standing. Someone might give you a gift that may saddened you, but is the person cheap or that is the most they could afford? In the end, whether it is cheap or expensive depends and how much it costs the person; let us always remember that. Not everyone can give you a Flat Screen LED TV for your birthday. If you got a card try and see if that was all the person could afford...In any case didn't you know he did not have that much disposable  income when you started dating him? Or you want your gift to be bought out of a loan from friends? If your boyfriend can afford it and wants to shower you with gifts, fine; only do not hold a knife to his throat and demand it. 

Coming back to the mainstream discourse, If you earn your own money, buy your own stuff. I agree some men are threaten by a woman who has it all and can equally pay for it all. And some women get worried about it. But isn't it the whole point? The whole point of going to school, working hard, climbing the social ladder and all? Why must you worry that your independence puts a man off? So what, you must hide your wealth or ability to create it, so you can depend on a man and be good enough for him? So he gets to control you? In the end, he just does not provide for you, but he buys your freedom as well. A lady worth marrying is the one who is WILLING and ABLE to bring something to the table, otherwise you are just a glorified animated property.

It is not your wealth - financial, emotional, educational, spiritual, or social- that scares off a man, indeed it is not your independence that scares him off; it is how you manage that wealth and independence. 

A key to gaining a man's respect is when he knows that you are able to do everything he is capable of doing.... even though I need not tell you it is not everything a man can do that a woman can. Yes I say it because I don't see the possibility of a woman, without any medical help, impregnating another woman. Bam! I said it. On a serious note, every man is cautious when dealing with a woman who is his co-equal. You do not need to remind him. You do not need to show it off and rub it into his flesh or hang it around your neck; just live your life and let it make the statement for you.

 You are a young woman, who earns your own cash, be bold and show off what you can do. Order and kill it with that Christian Louboutin Shoe and the Fendi Bag you saw online, nail it on with the Samsung S4 and the Brazilian Hair and the top notch lace dress. Tell him you are getting a weekend at the spa and he can join if he wants to [You don't mind paying for him]. Pimp your apartment and make him wonder. Drive your own car if you can afford it. Let the cowardly man run away from you if they can't stand it. That is the only time a man will think twice when he feels like opening his mouth. That is when your opinion will starts counting, and when you clear your throat, he starts asking if you said something.

At what point in time does your parents start taking your views serious? When you leave home and start earning your own cash. That is when you are seen as independent enough. Your independence is naturally intertwined with your ability to be self sufficient and self sustaining. How do you expect a man to see you as a co-equal when he buys you panties and feels haunted whenever he is visiting every 28 days, because Rita Red is in and he has to pass by the drugstore to get you sanitary pad. Seriously! You have a car, you can drive that three minutes for that. You are having no cramps... You want to call it love? Well it is when it is one off not when you make it his responsibility. Sanitary Pad! 

Ladies need to sit up. Take care of yourself. Earn that respect, build a solid and respectable image in the eyes of the man who is going to marry you and those around him. Let it be difficult for him to treat you like trash and let others do same. Let it be a natural consequence for him to listen when you talk  without having to fight for it. 

How much does it cost to fuel a 1.8Ltr engine that you always collect his vehicle for your errands and return it empty tanked? How much is a day out at a Chinese Restaurant that you always forget your purse at home? How cheap is it that you pick a taxi to his house and tell him to come and pay the driver when you have money? You call him that you are coming over to his place, and you don't even ask whether he has something at home to eat. You drive all over to his house, park your car, jump into his and go out to a restaurant to eat. What is the big deal if for once you visit him with something? How much will it cost you to say, 'this is on me' or 'let's split it'...or 'I have already taken care of it?' And you think such a man should respect you, listen to you and be happy when you are coming to visit? No Sugarplum Fairy. You are a liability and a leech. 

You may not know it, but these little things say a lot about you. Whenever I hear young up and starting ladies say they are independent, you find out, it is just in thought and opinion not in anything again. I want you to go beyond it and make that independence, a more holistic and all encompassing.  

Do not fear the man who feels threatened by your independence, rather fear yourself and your inability to manage your independence well. 


PG Sebastian 
Copyrights 2013

Thursday, 17 October 2013

HE IS GOOD TO KEEP

Men are not easily predicted; just when you think you know them and can predict their next move, they spring a surprise on you which will leave you shaking in the knee. This is the general impression of women on men. While it is not a hard task to predict men, if you can be logical in your approach to things, women most often get it wrong because they mostly tend to look at men through the eyes of emotions.

We, however, leave a few traces of who we are accidentally in our day to day activities and a smart woman can pick these clues, put one and two together and conclude  the man is good to keep. 

There a few things you may want to measure him by some of which are: 

If:

He calls hours before a date is due to cancel with a reason, and a rescheduled date, instead of making you wait forever only to show up undressed

He keeps his mum and sisters where they belong and fairly manages your expectations and theirs

He knows when to be firm and when to let go, with love and a sense of responsibility. He knows an argument is for a solution not a man-woman bout

He does not criticize and leave you to your confusion, but takes you through an alternative solution and reason it out with you so you both negotiate a better way forward

He is willing to help you become the kind of woman you are destined to be, not because he sees a selfish interest in it, but because he is wise enough to know that your purpose in this world is bigger than his fears, insecurities and uncertainties.

He tells his boys, he cannot be there because you are visiting....even if it is just the two of you having to sit on the porch and go through your boring routine

He picks a call from a girlfriend and tell her he is with his woman

He gives you access to his passwords and does not mind telling you to go read a mail and reply for him.

He does not abuse your trust but hold it as a sacred trust and a life worth protecting either for himself of whoever should come after him if destiny does not bind you in marriage

He knows God, fears him and loves his word, and all he does for you is out of reverence for God

He goes to the salon with you to sit by you and enjoy a day of 1001 gossips as they take forever to braid your hair, and then takes you to your seamstress, and your friend whose mum is not well and your uncle who just came from the UK.... if he is willing to be your official chauffeur....

Then don't let him go for all the Sobolo in the world. Men like that few and far apart. 



PG Sebastian
Copyrights 2013

SHE IS GOOD TO KEEP

You may never find all there is to know about a woman before you make that decision to date her or move from regular dating to something serious and monogamous. However, there are a few crumbs she may accidentally leave behind which can help you know she is good to keep.

A few of them are considered.  If:

She calls to check up on you during working hours and she can tell from your voice you are stressed and soothes you with a few words 

She insists on you cooking your own meal rather than buying from the food joint. She may once in a while even come over to fix you a decent meal

She insists on you taking your medication when you are down with a bug

She says, 'you didn't have to spend all that on a bag, WE could use that money for something else'

She insists you call your parents regularly and calls them herself to check up on them

She come to tell you of how this other guy is stalking her and how she wants you to solve the problem like a man protecting his property (or at least help her deal with the lady)

She says please pick the call (her call) and take the message

She goes out of her way to watch a football game with you because you like it

If she stands up to her friends for you

If she crosses the city through traffic just to come see your face....

Then she is good to keep. Don't confuse her with the hot chan chan lady.

PG Sebastian
Copyright 2013

Friday, 11 October 2013

D!U!MP!E!D!

They will put their arms around your neck and tell you you did a great job son. We are proud of you. We will take it up from here...that's when you know you've been screwed . (Tobin Frost - Safe House)

He will tell you ooh it's not you, it's me. I need to work on myself. You are too good for me. And my favourite, you deserve a better guy. I am jealous of the guy who will marry
you That's when you know you just got dumped.

Get a cup of ice cream and eat. Fill your mouth to the brim and don't cry....don't ask him why.... don't tell him its him you want, that you can help. The dude just dumped you. Here, take a scoop.

Don't cry baby don't cry. Oh yeah. I remember.... sure he used to say you were the best thing that ever happened to him, the Eve in his Eden....the Jesus in his boat. Dude could make you forget you have worries.... that was then. This is now. And we have a dumping situation right now.

Here, take a scoop. Aaammmmu!
There. I like vanilla too. So here is what you are going to do. Delete all traces of him; texts, photos, pack up all his cards and gifts... including that.... you know... lingerie. ... sorry but.... you know... it gotta go. Pack'em all . Delete all traces of him....

Block all his numbers. I know his kind... Ice cream? Ok. I know his kind. He will keep his foot in the door and just when you are about to move on he will text... hey I miss ya.... thinking of you.... do you still have the white teddy bear I bought for you last valentine? Then your mind starts running wild... messes up your thoughts. Block his numbers.

Don't get dumped and look bbblluuurrr; get dumped but keep your swag and dignity.

But you have been dumped Sugarplum fairy, oh yes you have. Don't ever forget it!

Now finish the ice cream and go to bed. Oh and its ok to cry. Tomorrow your eyes will be cleared enough not exchange a good guy for a trashy fake guy like that. 

PS. If a lady told you that too, Bro, you just had your back side handed right to you. You have been dumped....or better Dumpeded! 

PG Sebastian
Copyrights 2013.