Helping You Build A Relationship You Can All Be Proud Of

Sunday, 2 June 2013

BONDING 101

 Take interest in the things that interest your partner. It is the surest way to create a stronger bond, have a lot more things in common, meet most of their friends, gain their allegiance somehow and control some of the excesses they are likely to get entangled in if they did things alone, without you having to overtly attempt to do it. 

Taking interest in what interests your partner is like being in the same political party or supporting the same football team; you get to have a lot more things to talk about, a lot less issues to disagree on and a lot more mutual friends to hang out with. The more you hang out together the more you eliminate the petty things that generate fights. For instance, when my wife and I go out to the movies, she does not complain that I stayed out for long; I do not complain that I had to eat late. We are both part of the issue, we talk all the way home, eat whatever we can find and sleep with smiles. 

Your lack of interest in the things that interest your partner will not make them stop doing them; it will only make them find other people who share the same interests with them, spend more of their thoughts, feelings, desires, hopes and dreams with them. Most of the infidelity and snatchings we see occuring, occur between colleagues, social club members, 'area friends' and people who share distinctive interests like professions. 

[Consider two people with the same religious beliefs but of different spiritual intensity – one is a regular, the other is high-pitched spiritual. Even though both are religious, they are likely to fight over issues like all nights, praying out loud, speaking in tongues, using of anointing oil among others. Assuming they were both  either typical Anglicans or Fire brand Charismatic.]

You cannot stop your work and go work with your wife for sure, but maybe when she comes home and she is raving and ranting about her work, no matter how complicated the subject is, find it in your own interest to be engaging and ask questions that will make you learn. Do not engage in facial gimmicks and wave her out in your head, because sooner than you know, she will realize you are just pretending to be interested. She may then choose to be quiet on her job issues when she is home and talk to someone else who understands her. Sometimes my wife can talk for over 20 minutes about her work; All I do is listen and try not to forget. It is not an easy task, but I have decided to do it because when I also start raving and ranting...I expect her world to stop and revolve around mine...so let me do it for her. You cannot suddenly become a politician or a football fan, but these are the things He talks about and goes out for. Why not be interested so you can tag along when he is going out? That will make him share or talk to you when he is looking for someone to share a thought with or seek support from, it would be you and not some other die hard NPP lady or Man U supporter. 
 
I cannot give you all the different scenarios, but you and I know that most often than not, we do not show so much interest in what our partners do or what interests them. We turn on deaf ears when it comes to their interests. I am not talking about the mutual interests you may naturally have, I am talking about the things they are passionate about but we are not. The degree of ‘into-ness’ will to a good extent determine whether you two will be happy together or not, whether you will last or not, whether someone else will come in between you two or not. 

Your relationship or marriage is in serious trouble if the only time you actually laugh and have hearty chats with your partner is in the company of a Third Party.

You do not need to go shopping or to the salon with her, but if you have to do it once every month, go with her. See all the 'lungulungus and the corner-corner route to the place somewhere at Dansoman where the killer braids are done for her, it is no big deal. It makes her feel appreciated; you get to meet some of her friends who may never come visit her at home. You get to hear their stories; soon you become the other party in the complex ladies’ intrigue. “Oh George, you remember Aileen don’t you? That tall lady we met at the salon? Yea, her best friend said this and I said that and we met at this place and there was this lady….ok the next time we go the salon I will show you….” Soon you are part of their little chit chats….big family growing. 

I do not expect that you go golfing with him or even go to the gym with him, but if he is a sport or exercise freak, then you should know that with time, your body will be a source of tension at home. And if you have the kind of body my mum refers to as ‘a ball with hands and legs’, then sooner than you know, there could be that fit and firm bodied woman getting a lift/ride, and …as harmless as it may start…it can becomes something else. If you can make time to go with him, you will be the lady in the front seat. 

These are just a few of the many examples I could give or you can even come up with. They may not be true or applicable in your experience; but the reality exists that if you have a lot more of mutual interests, you bond better and feel a lot happier and friendlier with each other, reducing tension and fights as you equilibrate towards healthy friendship beyond your love relationship. 

Please our world is becoming cruel and things that distract us are a lot. Let us seek our own first. Keep that which is yours. A bird in hand is worth two in the forest. Treat your relationship as if it is the best thing that happened to you. 
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 Be happy
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
PG Sebastian
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