Building Relationships We Can All Be Proud Of

Tuesday, 19 February 2013

AN OPEN LETTER TO THE LADY WHO WANTS TO KEEP HER MAN.




There is a saying that men are moved by what they see. It is true to an extent, but men are moved in a more sustained way by how they are made to feel about themselves. The ego thing. If men were only moved by what they see in a strict visual way, then all pretty, posh and rich ladies would be taken and those outside this circle would be ‘gnashing’ and single… but ask yourselves if that is the reality. 

Have you considered why men with rich, pretty, successful wives, cheat with some women that leave us wondering? You call it lack of self-control? Many others have many reasons for it... but I say It is how that woman makes him feel about himself. 

While you are busily flaunting it in his face; your beauty, your fame and success and wealth and the many more you can outline…your house-help, your friend, that quiet unassuming one….that (with all due respect) lady whose body is riddled with scars and acne,… the simple 'sickly' looking secretary (that is how you see her), that inconspicuous church member….that lady (I guess you know that lady)…She know how to wait for your husband to finish eating even if she feels like going to bed, and clears his table. She knows how to ask if the food was ok, if there was salt or pepper in it (even if it is for the effect of it), she knows how to say ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ and ‘I am sorry’ and how to keep her voice down and her sarcasm to herself. She knows how to pick a phone and call his parents and find out if they are ok. She knows how to keep a healthy relationship with the children and ensure they are well nurtured…both at school and at home…  She knows she has nothing, so she brags with nothing. She only does what she has to do…as a house help, as a poor secretary…as a nice church member… as your good friend…. but these are the little little little acts that draws your man to her.

In the end you might think she used juju on him… or that your husband is cheap. No. The other lady made him feel better about himself. 

Do not be deceived because your husband comes home every day to you. Ask yourself if your husband really loves you by how he treats and relate with you. Do you find that keenness in him regarding things about you. Do you think as a lady, you have done all you can, like his secretary would do, like his house help would do, like your friend treats him, like his mother treats him, like other women treat him. 

Yes you are neither his secretary nor his house help; Fair enough. But he spends 9 hours or more of his waking moments with the secretary every day! How many hours of his waking moments do you spend with him? Woman, the odds are grossly against you. So when he is home and you want to have a business as usual attitude, no problem, 6 am will come for him to go to his office for his kingly treatment…But before that, the house-help would be in the kitchen, in the children’s room…. Your friend might pass by in the evening and might engage him in a ‘his-work’ related conversation. A church member will pass by and comment on his weight or hair or his looks and how tired his looks, in the most gentlest of ways. 

Yes you are supposed to be the one and only…but how can you be special when your game is abysmal in the life of a man who is naturally – by work and other social interactions- surrounded by other woman? If you want to be special, be like Messi, in the midst of Stars shine brighter. 

Men want to keep trophy wives…Pretty, intelligent, successful, powerful and all…trust me, they will kill over them. They like to keep them…for themselves…at home – or work, or wherever she wants to be- while he sleeps with other women who make him feel like a little king in his own right. So do not be excited that you are the trophy wife…be excited that you also make him feel like a king…that you are thinking and acting like the other woman….

A man is nothing but a big baby; emotionally drab, trivial and very much erratic. Give him what he wants and in a few minutes, he will forget he has any problem with you. He will giggle and laugh and tell everybody the world is beautiful. Deny him what he wants and he will cry, get mad and throw disproportionate tantrum, rejecting and destroying better alternatives. 

I have said that women have more power than they can imagine and if they are willing to learn how to wield it, they can rule man and make them do their biddings. 

There will always be Hollywood, there will always be feminism and there will always be the reality of meaningful family as originally designed. When you really want to have the fullness of marriage and the family and make it strong and stable, you must know which path to follow. 

Some battles are not won with words and fist; they are won with submission love and humility…like the battle of the home.


~PG Sebastian~
All Rights Reserved 2013

Wednesday, 6 February 2013

THE WARM-UP TALKS


Some of you reading this message are single and intend to marry. Some of you have proposed and others have been proposed to. Some of you are in serious relationships leading to marriage. Some of you do not have any man or woman in your lives. No problem; we are in February and you can meet someone and in less than 8 months get married. So if you are reading this, there is hope for you and there is something I want to share with you. 

Before you marry, have a thorough premarital counseling. It is very important. There are some traits and attributes in your potential spouse the effects of which might only come up in the future. Counseling will open your eyes to them and it can help you decide whether you want to go on with the marriage or not, and should you want to go on, steps to take to accommodate or manage these traits and attributes. Counseling will also help you identify what to do and what not to do to have the best of your marriage. Again, It will open your eyes to many things and give you better meanings to them. I will recommend Bishop Dag Heward-Mills’ ‘Model Marriage’ to anyone who wants a counseling material to read. 

Another thing I want to mention is for you to find yourself a mentor or someone who is old and mature and commands certain amount of respect in your eyes, and be accountable to. YOU would need someone who can look you in the face and rebuke or correct you if you are going wayward. Esther had Mordecai, David had Nathan, Hezekiah had Isaiah, Solomon and his son Rehoboam, however, had no one; which was why things did not go as God planned for them.

Start saving Money or start buying stuff towards the wedding and the life thereafter, especially if you are already in a relationship. Have a separate bank account for that purpose and save in there. Decide how much you would want to put in there on monthly or weekly basis. You can make it a percentage of whatever income that comes to you. When the time comes for buying stuff, Men, let the Women buy their own engagement stuff; Both of you must agree who would wrap them. But of course it must get to the man before the day of the engagement. Men do not insist on buying the engagement stuff otherwise she might end up not using them…ever. If she tells you to go ahead and buy them because of where you are located, or her faith in your taste, fine then. Traditionally the man comes with the stuff; but both of you can agree and buy it together and give them to the man to present. Women, out of respect, use the things brought to you for the engagement. It shows you appreciate them. Some men go through hell raising money to put up engagements and weddings. 

During this period of preparation, there will be a lot of tension; Please fight the issues not the person. Men, soften your stance on some of the issues. Wedding colors, seriously? Do not fight over it with her. Let her choose her colors. Be happy to help if you are invited to. If you are an artist and your wife is color blind yet she insists on choosing the colors, then na waaah for you. Lol. You can still talk to a couple of people she respects and see if they can change her mind to come along with you. If you can’t get her to come along, then allow her; after all the wedding is all about her. The d├ęcor and all that is for her to handle. The food and drinks and all the ko mininis? Well for money sakes, the man has to have a say since he has the cheque book. With the menu, well, let the woman help out unless she is from the greener side of the country where culinary sophistry has not yet landed. With that too, you do not have to fight, you must discuss it. If the man insists, then woman, step back and let the man contract a caterer he feels can do a better job. But men, remember it is a lifetime event; do not play ego with it.

Men are not supposed to see the wedding dress (Or so is the idea) so either she is buying her own stuff or you are giving her money to buy it. The only exception is where he is located where a better collection of wedding gowns are available and has to buy it and bring it to the woman. Men back off from her accessories.

Both of you must agree on the number of people in the bridal party. Discuss with your bridal party if they would want to take up the cost of their own clothing. If they are willing, then you are blessed; it is money saved. If they are not willing to foot that cost, well then, you’ve got to consider the number of people in the party… unless you have cash to pay for it all. Ladies want to have it all large and long; are you willing to foot the cost? If not, let the man have a say. Do not drain him. 

Both of you must agree on the choice of metal for your rings. Yellow Gold is perfect, White Gold is en-vogue, and platinum is the ish. Rose Gold, however, is gradually taking over. If you can’t afford gold, silver is not bad…for starters. Ladies do not put pressure on the men to buy Platinum rings when he can’t afford many other things. And do not force him into getting you a ring with a huge stone which will cost him a fortune. After all it is just a wedding; there is the real life of marriage to live after the wedding, do not enter it bankrupt. After a year or two you can 'remix' your wedding and introduce more beatz and glitz into it. 

Ladies, be willing to soften your stance on the date to have the event. He is the man so give him that respect. If you have genuine reasons why it has to be done on date A or B, discuss it with him. No drama, no emotional blackmail. Do not attempt to influence his choice of clothes unless you both agree you can help him out in a better way. Always talk to his best man if he proves difficult on any issue….unless the best man is worse off… then you can talk to a trusted brother or cousin or his father. If by this time you do not have that relationship with his family, cancel the wedding…you are not ready to marry. 

Both of you must agree to the choice of venue for the reception…again, it is all money matters. Ladies, do not force your men to hire a place that will cost him his bank account. I agree it is once in a life time event; but I also know for a fact if that once-in-a-life-time-event goes off the cliff, you may not even have your peace  of mind to get your groove on on your honeymoon (ooppss that did not come out well...my bad)

Yes I agree some marriages must suit the family name or social standing; if the lady has the name, well it is not for the guy to put up a show that only impress people in the name of the lady. If the guy is in the financial position to do that, fine; otherwise, the lady must greatly support him, after all is it not her name we are showing off? It is only fair and it show consideration. Some ladies, I am afraid, are losing men, because of the type of weddings they want to have which tend to be more than what the guys can afford. If you want a royal wedding just so people around you feel you have ‘arrived’, fine, let the guy tell you what he can afford and take up the difference. otherwise date a prince. Don't date a hustler and ask for a Buckingham Palace wedding. Are we on the same page? Great. 

Agree on the programme and all who will play a part. If a particular name or activity is proving thorny, scrap it out completely and move on. Not a single name or activity is more important than how far you two have come and where you are going. 

If you fight over something in the course of your preparation and you force a compromise, be careful not to change your mind because someone else told you to. It is insulting to your partner who might feel you respect other people’s view more than theirs. Before you went into that big fight over the issue, you should have first consulted whoever you want to consult. Let you and your partner’s decision be the final decision. Some people agree to do one thing and then one of them goes to do something else because a friend or sibling advised them otherwise. Be mindful of that. 

Lately, people go to weddings to SEE what people will do and go and gossip about it, if you know what I mean. Be careful in your choice of people you invite. Unless you are an assemblyman who will lose an election if the entire town is not invited, then you do not need to invite everyone. What is the worse that can happen for not inviting everyone? 300 people max. Print a max of 150 invitation cards and give it to people you want to specially invite. For everyone else, there is WhatsApp. Make everyone who get the card count. But if you can fill up Wembley and make everyone feel like heaven, why not. Oh and about that third grade plastics and wall hangings as wedding gift? Let's end it. at the very bottom of the Invitation card, nicely write this: the couples would appreciate it if all your free will gifts are in the form of money. Thank you. In this case, you have eliminated those gifts you hardly ever use... I mean five wall hangings with the same inscription from five different people is not cool. when they give you money, you decide on what to buy. 


Pray a lot during your preparation. You would need God to clear some obstacles from your way. If the man or woman is the wrong one, you would need God to chase them out even if it is two days before the wedding. You need God to bring help your way, you need God to help you with life after the wedding. You need God to open your/her womb; you need God to bless you with a new job or to stabilize your employment. You need God for a million things. Pray. Some of you come from ‘Hard homes’ and you need God to close some gates and open others. You need some fire to watch over you at night and some angels to war on your behalf. Pray.

Agree to disagree and move on. 

You would need a lot of psychological adjustments. Now the bed is not for you alone, the closet it shared, your room outlook would change, when you come home and go out will change, who comes to visit and when they come and go will change. The fluidity with which you take decisions would also change. Many things would change. Now men must bath twice a day, (Lord, why us?) wash their feet when they come home from work and all that. Ladies must make sure there is food in the house…always. The ‘I’ must be replaced with ‘We’ even if it is you or him/her. There is nothing like too much or too little sex. How did you know? Who did you talk to? No one told you to have all those premarital experiences…they are now haunting you. Silence those voices or soon, you will be looking for more sex or less sex out of your marriage. Sex is sex. Take it or give it as and when it is available. [I know this might sound overly simplistic] There would be the need for all these adjustments. 

But in all of these, one thing is crucial; that we respect each other’s office. That the woman keeps it on her mind, the man is a man and the man must remember to treat the woman as a woman. As a woman you do not insist that a man goes to the kitchen and as a man you do not insist the woman brings money for the upkeep of the house and pay the bills. Men should help their wives in the kitchen as a free will gift and let the women help their men financially and willingly. You both know the load on each other as they try to take charge of their family duties. The children and their upkeep are a shared responsibility, doing the laundry is a shared responsibility, cleaning of the house is a shared responsibility. However if a man decide he will not lift a finger to help, wife, do what is still expected of you. Fighting him would not make him change his mind; you rather make him more antagonistic and place him in an entrenched position. If the woman decides not to help the house with a penny, man, you cannot decide not to perform your duties. It is your duty to provide for the family whether she helps out or not. Do it. 

Let not the woman contend with the man. She will be miserable – she will be tormented by God and by the man. Let no man treat his wife with contempt and dishonor and irreverence – he will never prosper and God will deal bitterly with him some day; dishonor and shame he will also get. Let each one of you treat the other well; it pleases God and makes for a strong and lasting marriage. 

Ah…what can I say… I can type all day…except I might get boring….Let us end it here and find more time to talk more on this. 

~PG Sebastian 2013~ 
All Rights Reserved