Helping You Build A Relationship You Can All Be Proud Of

Saturday, 14 July 2012


In a very distant country is a small town perched on a dreamy mountain. The town is called Facebook. And as it is in every small town, when one person breaks wind, the entire town feels it in one way or the other. And again, as it is with very small towns, there is a pub; and again and again, as it is with small towns, there are men who sit in there to idle around and gossip all day.

In Facebook live three men in their forties; Jimmy, Dick and Bobby. Jimmy, Dick and Bobby are not your typical drunkards, but they love it in the pub. There they bury themselves up in sweet but cheap beer until they have had it to their heads; then they start talking... talking almost about anything. 

On this faithful day, they decide to be good citizens and talk about something worthwhile. They decide to talk about life in their small but active town, Facebook. Mind you these are mean unpolished men with foul mouth; you might find their words sometimes stinky, tasteless and a bit vulgar.

Bobby: Say what is wrong with that old tart who lives next door, Jimmy?
Jimmy: Who?
Bobby: Stop being dumb, Jimmy; how many next doors neighbours do you have? It’s me to the left and a hag to the right.
Jimmy: Aye, LadyIcanthelpmyswag Richardson.
Dick: is that her real name? Like, I can’t help but wonder. Which parent would name their daughter LadyIcanthelpmyswag? No wonder she is all dramatic.
Bobby: Stop sounding like your name, Dick. Aside a few honest people living in this town, how many of us use our real names?
Jimmy: I use my real name.
Bobby: As in Jimgantuan?
Jimmy: Aw Come on, no one calls me that name no more.
Dick: So Bobby has a point.
Bobby:I know I have a point dumb dumb! What is with Citizen Ama, Patriarch George,  Sweetlipz Veronica, Just-Call-Me-John. Like I just don’t know what is wrong with people here. Funny fugitive-like names. Who the hell are you running away from?!!!
Jimmy: And the way they sometimes spell it.
Dick: Oh disgusting. Kwesi Frimpong sounds like a good name to me.
Bobby: And they spell it like it was some shithead that spelt it ‘ QUECI PHRYMPON. I mean WTH? So I asked a question
Jimmy: you asked who? About what?
Dick: Now you are sounding like my name for real. Hahahah. What’s wrong with the Drama queen next door? Was the question
Jimmy: It’s a nightmare Fellas. Sometimes I genuinely fear for my life. She seems to have one problem or the other with the whole world. She has something to say to the town every two minutes. Sometimes she actually goes to the town of Twitter and sends her broadcasts to us from there! How crazy could she be? She is either telling us about her relationship status, or some party she is about to attend, or some daughter she has who is about celebrating her birthday, or some boo she has who gave her the most precious gift. Sometimes she even tells us about some drawers she is buying. And she would snap a picture of it and show it to us.
Dick: It’s not called DRAWERS no more; it’s now called PANTIES or G-String
Bobby: Who cares what anyone calls it? It could be a string quartet, and I don’t give a bloody damn! Too much drama from this woman. No one cares about whether she is married or not.
Dick: uurmm will you mind your language?
Bobby: Shut up, Dick, and stop sounding like a woman. Since when did you become concerned with what I say? The woman talks about daughters she has not met in reality, Gifts that for all we know, was just a text message, a boo who could just as well be a cousin. What is she trynna do? Hyping everything up? Look we don’t wanna know; she should shove her business down her throat and swallow it hard!!! After all it's just Facebook, not New York!
Jimmy: I have seen her couple of times at home when she had actually shouted to us she was going to a party, was actually at the party, and the party was great. Meanwhile her lazy butt was in her stinky night gown right at home. Eating Kenkey and Fried Fish while we all thought she was at Imperial Pekin. Lying Bastard!
Dick: Imagine that?
Jimmy: Sometimes she sounds like some guy is dragging her through the mud, and at other times, as if God has given her an entire bank. Too much drama.
Bobby: I have a neighbour to my otherside.
Dick: Hold on. I think we have an idea who
Bobby: Of course you do; pisses me off.  Always with the relationship talk. And all the ladies are constantly in his yard; Ooooing and Aaahhing after him.  I feel like yelling at them, Ladies, He is a guy at heart, trust me! But well it is none of my business.
Dick: You seem to be taking it easy on him; looking at your reputation, you must be telling him to sod off and get an office!
Bobby: Naah, he seems like a real cool man; besides I don’t want ladies calling me a chauvinistic pig; my mind tells me I am one, and I don’t want a lady to confirm it. Damnit, even my wife discusses his sayings with me! When we have an argument, she can actually recall and use his words against me. The scumbag!!!!
Dick: is he a pastor or something?
Bobby: Like I care.
Jimmy: behind my house lives this lady; lawdharmercy! Always with the pictures. She takes them mostly by herself with a 3.2MP camera in her not so nice toilet, terribly arranged colour mismatched bedroom, and all the places decent and well meaning Facebookers need not see. And the looks; some with pouted lips as if she wants a kiss, some with a pose like Hanna Montana, fancy clothes and all. Lady get a real Job is what I feel like telling her.
Bobby: So go ahead a tell her! I see some people post their pictures in their yard and I feel like writing, I am looking for a piece of shit to give, but since I can’t find one, I can’t give a shit about this picture and I really don’t care whether you took it from Mount Afadjato or in Michelle Obama’s closet! But well, as a well meaning good neighbour trynna keep up appearance, I just smile politely and write by the Picture ‘Woow, you look hot sweetheart’ Damn, she should see the expression on my face while I write that. And who wears those shades in this day and age? Get a Police or a Real Armani Shades cus I can smell fake shades a thousand miles I smell this Dick and his stupidity next to me.
Dick: Hey what did I do? I am your friend remember?
Bobby: My friends are wise Dick. They are wise.
Dick: But I am wise Bobby, I think I am wise.
Jimmy: Dick... You are not wise.
Dick: Don’t say that Jimmy; it hurts.
Jimmy: Well I don’t know what Bobby is gonna say about ya, but I think you've done something really stupid
Bobby: Oh yea this scumbag here is a real owner of his name.  How could you be talking across the fence with another lady when your wife is around and sees everything? ‘Hey sweetheart, How have you been, I miss ya. ‘ And instead of her responding quietly to it, she walks right to your yard to respond. Hey Dickie, it was good of you to have checked up on me, I am doing well...since you dawged me... I am watching if I am any special to you. Like seriously? Man, get a mail and send your letters across discreetly and when you are done, delete it and stop letting the whole world know what you are doing with other ladies! And when your wife gives you drama in your yard and sends hate messages, you call her a nagging bitch! Before you call her that, remember your name, Dick, remember your name! And remember you gave her the chance to give you the drama. And stop calling every lady who says anything to you, ‘Sweetheart!’ They might not be sweet in reality.
Dick: But I am trying to be polite to ladies
Jimmy: Dick, you don’t wanna do the polite business. I met this lady some time back and we started with the sweetheart thing. As smart as I could be, which you are not, I took it away from my yard and we started doing the mail thing. We could mail a whole day and no one knew about it. Soon we exchanged cell phone numbers; called and whatsapped each other. One day she told me she was in love with me. WHAT THE HEEELLLL! You are like how old? And you are not even cute. I was being nice. She started threatening, blackmailing, sending me hate messages, attacking other ladies who were all lovey dovy in my yard and all. In her mind she was my girlfriend. She even threatened to commit suicide.
Bobby: Bunch of Psychos in this town. Some are going to Photoshop to disguise their true looks; some are using fake pictures for Residency permits and some never step out in daytime so no one would see their real faces. Some are even men pretending to be women. Bastards!
Dick: But why would they even allow people to stay in this town with Pictures of Flowers and cars as their identification pictures? We need to know who you are, people!!!! Anyway, so what did you do Jimmy?
Jimmy: I told her not to contact me again, erected a high wall between our houses so that no matter how high she climbed, she could not find my yard or hear anything about me. I was simply out of her directory on Facebook. 
Dick: My neighbour got married and mounted all his wedding pictures. The pictures weren't even nice if you ask me. Terrible terrible wedding colours. I could tell from the pictures the food was tasteless; and the music I can bet my last cent was wack! When his wife got pregnant, the blockhead mounted his wife's pictures. When she delivered, they mounted the baby's pictures. Why would people mount innocent babies' pictures? It's mindblowing! Now his wife is screwing his mind and he says those who looked at the pictures had evil eyes on his marriage. Punkass!
Bobby: I really don’t get people out here. Did I tell you a homo was on my case? Dude I am so straight it's not funny. Get a ho! I erected my wall as high as I could get so he does not even contact me again! Me with another man? The thought can't even stick in my mind. 
Dick: Strange Characters. Some put up pictures of anything but themselves. Some only come to your yard just to tell you they LIKE what you said to the town, they don’t really say anything about what you said, just LIKE. Some only come to poke at your door.
Bobby: Talk about Pokes, Sweet Mary. When someone pokes, I feel like saying to them ‘if you have something to say just go ahead and say it and stop disturbing me with the pokes. You wanna break down my house or something? I don’t get it. And guys who poke guys; so gay! Do ladies poke ladies?
Jimmy: Maybe they wanna start a conversation
Bobby: Yea...maybe they should just start the conversation and stop poking cos if you poke, you leave me no choice than to walk right to your door and poke back. No hard feelings... Just a poking business!
Dick: And talking about starting a conversation; there are those neighbours who, whenever they see your green light on and realise you are home, send you a mail, ‘Hi’
Bobby: That is it.
Dick: That is it! Damn! If you wanna have a conversation, say something nice, Heya, I like your daily broadcast to the community, you inspire me a lot. Or hi, that is a nice picture you have on display. You seem like a nice person. Or worse Hi, do you live by the public toilet, cus your yard really stinks with those foul words you use. Say something, but for heaven sakes don’t just send me a mail and say ‘Hi’!
Bobby: And I think some people here need to get real jobs. What is with the games and applications requests? I AM NOT A VAMPIRE SLAYER OR A MAFIA BOSS, CANDY CRUSHER OR SOMETHING SO DONT SENT ME A GAME REQUEST!!!
Dick: Keep your voice down, Bobby, everyone is looking at us.
Dick: Sorry Bobby, didn’t mean to.
Bobby: Good. Cus I don’t play games, and I bloody don’t wanna remember anybody’s birthday so no one should send me a birthday request!
Jimmy: Say what do you guys think of the groups and associations they add us up without our consent?
Bobby: Freaks me out. All I do is to turn off the Notification Switch.
Dick: But you also once in a while share things with the groups don't ya?
Bobby: Dick, how many times have I called you by your name today?
Dick: I Can’t remember.
Bobby: Good. You are indeed your name.Those groups are not the best places to be. I don't want to be a part of any drama!
Dick: Well some of the groups can be awesome. especially the secret ones. Bunch of drama, fights and psycho moves. I was in one and bloody hell I had to find a sycamore tree anytime a Hurricane is passing. 
Bobby: You piece of shit! You like all the shitty stuff. Which part of this is fun
Dick: It's because you have not seen a real e-fight before. there is nothing like.....
Jimmy: Y'all shut the hell and take a wild guess who just walked in.
Bobby: the old tart or the fine ass?
Dick: Both I guess. I like’em both.
Jimmy: These two just exist; no activity, no telling anyone what they are up to, same pictures for 2 years, they simply exist on the barest level. And yet they know everything going on! Spying on people. Stalkers and Gossips. downloading freakin' pictures and sharing them to friends secretly. Scumbags!
Bobby: Well on gossip I think we all do it.
Jimmy: Well I don't Gossip. I mind my business.
Bobby: And what have we been doing since we got in here? Conducting exorcism?
Dick: I think this town needs a law that says, if your neighbours and indeed the entire town can't feel your presence for a continuous period of three months, you should be declared dead and your place scrapped or given to someone else.
Bobby: My sentiments exactly. For once, Dick, you sound like me.
Dick: Why thanks Bob, you are robbing off on me.
Bobby: Don’t push it son! And then those neighbours who have locked up their yard so you can’t go there. It’s like they decide what they want to tell us, but we can’t access their yards! It bloody not fair!!!!
Jimmy: I hear it is because of past experiences and what some people went to put in their yards; they decided to stop everyone else from going there.
Dick: then they shouldda dealt with those people rather than preventing all of us from accessing their yards? I mean, not that we will do anything there; we might even not go there even if the gates were left ajar, but for puke sakes leave the bloody yard accessible. What do you thing Bobby?
Bobby: Dick we need to change your name. At a point I thought it was Einstein speaking; whoever the hell he is. My granny used to piss me off with him all the time when someone made sense about something. I learnt he did something great which helped build this town. Old dirty bastard, my granny!
Dick: Woow. Thanks Bobby, I appreciate you approval. I will buy you a drink.
Bobby: save it; get yourself a nice shirt and get a proper photographer to take you a nice shot so you can put it up. Your picture out there looks like a ‘WANTED BY POLICE’ picture. And your mouth looks big in it. You need to know how to take pictures, Dick. You are a handsome man, regardless of how scruffy your beard looks; how come all the pictures you put up show your mouth looking big?
Dick: I don’t know Bobby, any help?
Bobby: A word of insight; get a camera man! Or know how to position the phone when taking a shot.  Jimmy here can help and for heaven sakes don’t pose in the picture. Just let it be natural.And don't tag me in any of your pictures? Why do people tag others in their pictures like they rented their house here with them. 
Dick: And those funny pictures. Jokers!
Jimmy: So will ya’ll go to church tomorrow?
Dick: Sure. You not going?
Jimmy: I sure will.
Bobby: Why would I? All my neighbours are preachers on Sundays, I get free daily morning devotions, I get to sing hymns and songs whose words I did not know, I get free daily Bible readings; I even get Motivational quotes from people I did not know existed. I also get people preaching virtue and practicing vice; I get people preaching God in one broadcast and swearing in the next. I get people preaching about God’s love and raining fire and brimstone upon others who visiting their boyfriends’ yard.... I Get all that. Trust me I don’t need to be in the church to meet God and the devil have a showdown; it always happens in my hood.
Bar attendant: Are you guys done gossiping? Cus we’boutta close.
Bobby: Watchya mouth you....
Bar Attendant: Me what?
Dick: It’s alright Bobby let’s go.
Bar Attendant: And gimme my damn money you pack-o-shitheads!
Jimmy: Are you the lady who was broadcasting about God two minutes ago?
Bar Attendant: Don’t even start with me dickhead!. Do you think we mean everything we say in this town? You think Facebook is a place to take anything serious? The Praise-Gods and the I-love-yous and the cute pictures and the I-cant-wait-to-see-you-in-person and perfect relationship talks and the handsome guys who seem too perfect to be true and the ladies with impeccable credentials; the guys with swag the size of China and the ladies who seem so hot and superfine? Dude, we have this small town...but we also have where we all really come from. If you wanna find out who we really are, meet us first at where we really come from and then you can trust us; until then take everything here with a pinch of salt. Some of the people here, we know them beyond this place, some have been met by others who say good things about them....but those ones no one seem to know anything about, watch out for them. Anyway gimme my money before I call Love Doctor-mey3tough Oppong to get your ass! 

Bobby: Bloody whore! Let's go fellas!