Building Relationships We Can All Be Proud Of

Wednesday, 13 June 2012


When we say ‘men are moved by what they see’ what do we REALLY mean? This is perhaps one of the most critical existential questions widely debated upon. From a very simple and almost elementary perspective, I attempt to consider that question and see if we can get around it and possibly (saying it cautiously) attempt a squeeze out of it. 

First, I think I have the whole answer, but I know for a fact that I don’t. But this one thing I know; seeing goes beyond just a normal perception through the physical eyes. Fact! 

Beyond the physical looks, a man can also be moved by how he SEES a particular woman's behaviour and her lifestyle in general - her net worth. Haven’t you ever wondered why the prettiest ladies get their guys cheating with some ladies who, with all due respect ‘don’t look as much pretty? Haven’t we all at one point wondered what a guy saw in a particular lady for which he dumped his fine girlfriend? 

Well he was looking alright… but maybe... just maybe he was looking at this other lady beyond the front and back 'bumpers' and the fine design…crafted on some solid wheels; something beyond the glitz and the glam! He was looking at something far more satisfying; something that promised a brighter future.

Have you wondered why as we grow up, the prettier ladies who had all the guys chasing after them at some point in time, USUALLY (not always though) are left at the lower stratum of the marriage ladder, while the 'regular looking' ladies, the ones even the Christian brothers – who should not discriminate – wrote off, rather getting married? As we men grow older and get closer to settling down, as logical as we are, we do our calculations and realise that the time for the games and the flex are over and that we need real wives (an all encompassing type) for ourselves and real mothers for the children that will be evidenced in that marriage. 

I could be wrong, and it could be something that happens only in my world, but I think when they say men are moved by what they see, ladies must be careful in interpreting it because we may not be watching where you all expect us to be watching and be seeing what you expect us to see. Where we look varies with age, maturity and long term expectations. So while at a younger age, the physical appeals to us, as we grow up and the needs and expectations of life stare us in the face, we refocus our attention on what is most expedient in our relationships and which lady, when attached to us, will bring better returns. Yes, men also look for good marriages.  

As I said some time back, be relevant as a lady and grow up along your man as you court each other, the same way every man is expected to be relevant and grow along the woman he is courting as she grows (in a complete sense). If you don’t, and choose to stay in the same ‘Looks Mode’ of the 20s you risk being reduced to the role of a girlfriend, while another one of your kind comes along to assume the role of a wife. You don’t want to babysit that diaper dandy (no hating on my fellow guys...but some of us are real thumb suckers!) for some lady to come for him just when he was coming around as a real man, do you? 

By growing and being relevant, I have in mind an all compassing view. Women (though applicable to men) need to grow;

  • Emotionally by getting to a point where drama, reality and Disneyland are all clearly sorted out and compartmentalised, and marked appropriately. The ability to see life from a pragmatic view point, knowing when to pull the emotional card and when to pull yourself together and face life through the lens of reality.  
  • Intellectually by being able to hold very objective and mentally stimulating conversations, arguments, debates and having a just and a fair opinion about life and its happenings. This point is where most African men are found in a quagmire - we want it, but too much of it is too much for the African man to handle.
  • Physically, where you can't be in your late 20s and early 30s and still appear dressed and behaving like a high school cheerleader and expect to be taken serious. 
  • Economically, which encompasses a measure of financial independence, the propensity to be helpful in times of need (which is key to the survival of every family) and the willingness to see beyond yourself as far as financial provisions are concerned (though this is not a green light to any woman to spend on a man she is not married to. That simply skyrockets the suicidal tendency when you are dumped eventually. It also drives your way, vulturing men, who are all about the money) 
  • Spiritually for men who are spiritually minded. 
  • Socially by having a measure of social skills which gives you the ability to survive and thrive in a fast moving world without being dependant on people all the time. 

Interestingly, though I must admit I can't explain why, yet I will attempt to, mainstream men end up marrying women who are primarily good at heart (and the ones who meet the above criteria), dump the fine ones who might not be too good at heart (according to these men) and then end up leashing these same wives at home, and go to play around with the finer women; the same kind they do not intend to marry or have any lasting relationship with. Why is that so? The multimillion Dollar Question.

Well I think in solving it, the finer versions, need not get ahead of themselves (because of their physical looks - Make ups, hips and Lord...all the rest) otherwise they will (most likely) only be consigned to the role of Sex and Money objects. They should, however, work on their inner qualities and the qualities a woman going somewhere in life (whether for a man or for herself) need to have. In that sense, when a man sees you, he sees beyond the now, and desires you beyond transient experience into something more permanent (especially for women who seek such permanence in their relationships with men). There is a name for that - BEAUTY WITH BRAINS

On the other side, if you are the kind of woman who got married (out of the long queue) and yet anytime you see your husband’s ex, you genuinely wonder why such a beauty was dumped for you, well it is time to go beyond the edge you have over the other woman with your inner beauty, and step up your game in the areas of your looks and appearance. If he dated a hottie, he will always have an eye for them. If he dumped a hottie, then there is something about you that he so desperately wants. So you move from just being a resourceful brainy woman to being a fairly beautiful (or attractive) woman with brains. Be a bit of the two – Good at heart and total worth, and good in appearance. 

Yes yes, we all have our strengths and all that, but we are better off in life if beyond what we can do, we attempt to learn something in the regions where we are not so much in control, just for the all-rounder effect. 

They say men are moved by what they see… I say it is so true…except what we see is not always the booty and the booby traps! 

PG Sebastian 
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