Building Relationships We Can All Be Proud Of

Friday, 20 April 2012

THE POST WITHOUT A TITLE

THE CONTENT OF THIS POST MIGHT OFFEND SOME READERS AND YOUR DISCRETION   IS ADVISED.
I was recently having a conversation with a friend when the issue of sexual compatibility came up. My friend concluded that was why some people have sex before marriage....because that was the only way you could find out if the man meets the woman's sexual specifications in terms of drive, stamina, size and quality.

I quietly asked so what next if Richard fails? Good enough a reason to leave him? Any guarantees Kwame will pass? Well the sweetness of the pudding is in the munching... So he also munches and fails...you pack your bags and hit the trail...? Douglas fails. ..even Dick... (pardon the name) fails... By the time you meet Paul...wouldn't you have lost Counts

In any case there are some things sex might not reveal between people having it for fun..like ability to impregnate... Or you will want to get pregnant to prove he can impregnate you? For all you know, you could have done it without condoms or pills.. The gun can't fire.

Well he can get you pregnant...what if YOU can't hold a baby past 3 months? You wanna try that too? The permutation and combination can yield myriad of possibilities it is not worth making it your gamble.

There is nothing like a man or woman is totally not good in bed....(excepts it's a medical condition or a birth defect). But you are prone to compare when you have had more than one sexual partner in the past.

At 21 Richard could only do what he can...when you date Kofi who is 26 he will definitely give you more than Richard...Then comes the 32 year old player who has been thru all the skirts and has seen it all. He comes to blow your mind out...

Then you meet sweet adorable Joe... He is duh... Just just terrible. You can read a magazine when he is at his busiest... So you leave him...finally it comes that you might want to settle...Kojo... He is everything... Even better...But then after marriage you realise he wants sex once a week...not twice a day... .so you get uncomfortable...unsatisfied...then you go looking...sneaking...then adultery-ing.

You see there is no urge to compare when u have known only one man...and between me and you...women and men always compare... And the larger the number...the greater the temptation to fall for the lie that it can be better somewhere and the weaker your resolve to stick with one person.

PEOPLE WHO ARE LIKELY TO COMPLAIN ABOUT THEIR PARTNER'S SEXUAL PERFORMANCE ARE USUALLY THOSE WHO HAVE HAD MULTIPLE SEXUAL PARTNERS OR PEOPLE WHOSE PARTNERS LIED TO THEM ABOUT THEIR SEXUAL TASTE.

I wont pretend it is not major issue in marriages.... Sexual problems... But having sex to prove a man's worth is very lame and mostly it is the woman who loses... To the man you are a job well accomplished whether it lasted 3 seconds or not...He was there some® and it is worth putting on his CV....

Look at it like someone who keeps trading vehicles...he buys the latest car, drives it and exchanges it for a new one...it's a pride business for him... I wonder if you can also have that pride talking about how many men you bedded in search of that ultimate man.

People don't 'drive test' brand new cars for a year in order to decide if they want to purchase it... Do your search... Pay and drive... If everyone tested it what would be the mileage before the actual owner buys it...

Cinderella lost her slippers not her pride in order to get a prince... 
PG Sebastian 
2012 All Rights Reserved

Thursday, 19 April 2012

THE STENCH OF ENTANGLEMENT: CONFESSIONS OF A CHEATING WIFE: PART 3

Maa  I could go on and on, and I know I would not be justified in what I did; yet, I had real needs; needs that I had to meet in one way or the other, needs that somehow, gratefully, was being met at no cost at all to me. Sometimes all I needed was someone to talk to; someone to laugh with, someone to go to places with.” Pat forced down an emotional blow which caught the couple right in the throat.

“So did you tell your husband when he came; what you had done?” The Rev. Canon asked lamely.

“No! I dared not”

“Did he meet Sam?”

He did. And it was on a cold and suspicious note. He was surprised Sam showed up in the house because I had stopped talking about him and I was certain he assumed I had gotten over him. He was very much upset about how Sam and Carol got along. Yet it took about a week for his daughter to warm herself fully into him. That was not exactly amusing to him.

When George Left, I suddenly felt vulnerable; Sam realised the kind of man I was married to and knew he had to do more to take me away from him. I didn’t know what I was thinking when I kept quiet and watched him knowing very well what he was up to.

“Did you know his family?”

“Yes Daa; and after George returned to Ghana, his family’s involvement became intense; I was virtually part of every family gathering of theirs. On my birthday I got a car for a gift; his mum gave it to me though I suspected it was from him. It was obvious he used his mother as a cover up so George won’t tell me to return it.”

“And so where is the car?”

“I sold it off when coming to Ghana”

“And did you per chance have any other intimate relationship after the incidence in the car?” The priest asked not knowing what to expect, but expecting a yes for an answer.

“Yes… a couple of times. But we had sex once.” Pattie responded defensively yet not displaying any sign of embarrassment.

“I want us to be spared the agony of knowing the details,” the priest said tastelessly displaying his disapproval for Pattie’s behaviour.

Mother Genny could feel the anger in her husband. Comments like that were not typical of him. This was the last thing anyone was expecting; Maadwoa and now Pattie. God why now? Why?

“I am glad, however, that you recognize whatever you did with him was wrong. Don’t you find it amazing that you could keep your husband and related with him as if everything was ok?” he added not expecting an answer. “That is the effect of sin on your conscience; it can make you juggle men and feel it is ok”

“Daddy, please.” Mother Genny intervened when further unpalatable words started flying in. “How often did your husband meet him when he was in England?”

“Not so many times. We were once invited for dinner at their house. George didn’t want to honour it but I insisted. After that dinner, Sam’s sisters suddenly grew fond of him and were always coming to our house. I tried to restrict Sam from coming along with them. I don’t know whether it was the right thing I did because George started reading meanings into his sudden absence as well…well Carol also kept asking about him.”

After that dinner the family started giving me space. I didn’t know why, but now I know I should have taken advantage of it and concentrated on my visiting husband. But I did not; I rather blew it up by getting worried I had done something to displease them. That meant I overly tried to please them. That put more strain on my relationship with George. After George left they drew me back into their fold with a renewed intensity.

“You said George started reading meanings into Sam not coming to the house again? Wasn’t it what he wanted?” Mother Genny asked curiously.

“Yes. But Maa, you see when Sam comes around, he seems to behave in a very normal and very familiar way; the way people you talk to and see every day behave. They know their way around the house and where to get what or put what. And George is more than a smart man; he is like a detective. If I wasn’t talking about Sam for a while, then the impression was that I had gotten over him and I was not in touch with him that often. So how come he was that familiar with me? How come my daughter is so comfortable with him? How come I mistakenly call George ‘Sam’?”

“You what?”

“Yes Maa. And that got me into a lot of trouble”

“Oh dear”

“Yea. So when he stopped coming around it was just obvious, that was not the norm; it was because he, George, was around. So question started popping around: Why didn’t I stay away when I was told to? If I did, which I did not, how come the guy is so familiar with things around the house? How come his family seems so comfortable and familiar with me? So what are you not telling me?

And I couldn’t then tell him all the needs I had because a very simple question might have been asked. ‘Why didn’t you have those discussions with me?’ Maa, I messed up a lot of things and if my husband is leaving me, I guess he is justified.”

“What happened at this dinner you two attended in Sam’s house?”

“Nothing Daa; except probably they realised George and I made a beautiful couple that they did not want to separate...or so I thought at the early stages when George left”

“So what happened that you two ended up sleeping together?” Neither Pattie nor Mother Genny saw that question coming; but it came and the force hit both so hard Pattie turned pink and then pale and then started crying. Mother Genny held her close, rubbing her shoulders. Her own eyes turned watery but she dared not look at her husband nor prompt him for his bluntness in asking what had to be asked eventually.

Pattie felt so naked, so useless and definitely so cheap. Since that act, she had tried all she could to erase the memory from her mind. So the question was, ‘why did you do it in the first place if you will end up with a world of regrets?’ Why draw what you might want to delete? She had seen the fire; open, raging and very dangerous and had still toyed with it.

She knew she had done a good job erasing the graphic images from her mind. There has never been a time she had ever recalled the act as it happened in graphic details. The images she is now having of it are broken, distorted and jumbled up. She had been tipsy, desperate and out of herself when it all happened. The reality remains, however; another man other than your husband slept with you and that is a fact. You could have been chloroformed, but it still happened! It is not called modernity or woman empowerment, you have been used! An empowered woman keeps her values and stands for what she builds. Stand for your marriage Pattie, stand for it! Her mind always scolded her

And that harsh reality had never left her mind; neither had she allowed her memory to deal with it. It was the only part of the entire incident she was refusing to let go. It was the guilt of betrayal she couldn’t handle. It was no rape; it was something she ran into with both arms wide opened. She was responsible no matter how she minimized it. Pattie you are bloody responsible, you weak bastard. Sometimes that was how hard her conscience scolded her.

She swallowed hard dabbed her eyes dry, took a direct gaze at her adopted father and started telling her story, choosing her words gently.

“Sam came to my house one evening just before a rain storm. They had announced it on radio that it was going to be a bad weather and he was working late. By the time he was ready to leave, he realized there was no way he could make it home before the storm came. So he called me and I told him he could come over.

“To sleep over?” Mother Genny asked.

“Well it was not being contemplated when I told him to come over. But by implication that was what it meant since the rain was going to take a little longer before it subsided for him to drive home.”

“How far was his house from yours?” Rev Ofori probed for his own calculation

“About 65 miles away.” She replied briskly. He only nodded in response. “When he came Carol had gone to bed. So we had a couple of drinks and we talked about almost every subject until George called. He sensed I was excited and I told him it was something on TV. I was emotionally ignited that I decided against all reason to get him off the line.”

“Your husband called, and you got him off the line because of another man?” Mother Genny stated as if she wanted to confirm if that was exactly what she had heard.

“Maa, my intention was not to sleep with him. It was not. I don’t know what came over me except, I just wanted to have an evening chatting with Sam rather than George. And we ended up sleeping together. ”She said regretfully

“When did he leave?” The grieve-stricken Priest asked distantly.

“Early morning of the following day” the words were probably the longest sentence Pattie had ever made. And when she finished saying it, she felt so enervated and empty she simply slumped into the sofa, away from the Grips of Mother Genevieve.

“Jesus. You shared your matrimonial bed with him for a whole night? Wow. Whatever God does it is for a purpose. I know for a fact you would have kept if from your husband but for the card. That explains why you are now here to tell us this after six months in this country.” The priest said feeling very disappointed in his daughter.

You must know one thing; I am not standing in my stead just as priest to you, I am standing here first as your father and as a Priest and as an elderly man. And you might find some of my pronouncements quite damning and very straight forward. But I will not handle this any softer considering the fact that your husband had to find this out for himself and in a very difficult way. I am a man and I know what he must be going through by now.

But I am glad this has come out so we can all help you face and deal with the gravity of the sin that confronts us. As you said, it is better to tell him and leave judgment to him; as to whether he will take you in or will put you out. At least you would know you did what was right and God will never hold it against you.

“But Daddy, if I may ask this;” Mrs. Ofori interrupted, “Pat why did you bring the card to Ghana? Were you holding on to this guy? Was it out of your bond to him or affection for him?”

“No Maa!”

“So why did you keep that card.” Rev Ofori pressed the query

“I dropped the card among the things I was going to dump in the trash, I do not know how Carol saw it, but she took it and put it right back in the diary, and I had no clue until we got to Ghana. When I saw it and I asked her she said she put it there. I left it in the dairy with the intention of destroying it in time and I forgot about it. Jesus I am a big mess. I am simply done”

“No don’t say that My daughter,” Her mother consoled her. “You are not dead. And things will just work out fine ok”

“Where is George now?” Her father asked

“I don’t know Daa”

“What do you mean by you don’t know?” The Elderly man asked a bit confused, not privy to the information that George had abandoned his family.

‘He has not been home since Friday” His wife informed him.

“What? And you have absolutely no idea where he is?”

“No, Daa.”

Have you informed the police?”

“No Daa. His friends seem to know where he is and they say he is safe; but he has warned them not to disclose his whereabouts. Daa it is killing me.” Pattie burst into tears again. “What have I brought upon myself?”

There was silence except the sound of her wailing.

“And Genevieve; for how long have you known this?” He asked his wife with anger lurking at the edge of his tone.

“Daddy, she just told me. It was all part of the reasons why I personally called you in, please.” Mother Genevieve went on the defensive at the same time trying to make it easy for her husband to calm down.

“Give me his number and let me call him.” He ordered Pattie.

“He will not pick. He has switched to a different number only few of us know so he will not pick a strange number that is not saved on the chip.”

Then I must speak with a friend of his. Those who said they know where he is; otherwise we must report this to the police. This is serious. And I am a serious man. I don’t tolerate this childish, escapist buffoonery. What manner of man is this? Run away and then what happens? Problem solved?  Nonsense!” The priest sounded indignant.  “So where is your daughter?”

“She is with Abi.”

There was silence, while everyone tried to internalize and rearranged everything they have heard. Pattie was sobbing quietly, each sound piercing through the heart of her father, so badly, if he could, he would have walked out of the room to find a place to weep. His own daughter has brought him similar agony a few years ago and just when the pain was fading another daughter comes in with another case of a woman who cannot place value on herself and command the respect of men.

He needed to find a place to cry.

The Rev. Canon exhaled slowly trying to gather his thoughts as best as he could, “listening to you talk Pat, one thought comes to my mind; and as a priest I can assure you there is nothing that can happen to you that has never happened to someone whose story is captured in the bible. The preacher says in the book of Ecclesiastes that there is nothing new under this sun. So there are people who faced the same situation and came out either with victory or with defeat.

I know you are here for anything but judgment, so we will leave judgment to God. But I want to draw your attention to something I observed while you were talking; you seemed to have a reason or reasons for everything that came together to walk you into the mess you find yourself in. If you should talk like this to George, I can promise you, you will only serve to get him very angry. You do not justify your actions in front of someone you are seeking forgiveness from. Who wants forgiveness for actions they deem justified?

I won’t however pretend I did not observe you also assessing yourself in your own estimation and passing judgment on yourself. At least that is evidence your conscience still convicts you. It is very important that as human beings we occasionally make serious assessment of our own lives and pass judgment on ourselves so that no one will surprise us with their own judgment.

When you are certain to a considerable extent how you stand in the eyes of the sea of witnesses encompassed round about you, very little things will end up worrying you. But if you walk around without any self-assessment and any personal opinion of yourself, then anybody’s opinion, true or not, informed or not can blow you to where they want you to be.

And I hope your self-condemnation is not induced be the fact that you were found out and your marriage is on the brink. It is important that you do not confuse it. If you are truly sorry; whether you got caught or not, you will not repeat this shameful act again. But if you are sorry because you got caught, then chances are that, when the storm calms down, you are likely to repeat it but in a smarter manner. So while you are here crying and feeling all broken, you must ask yourself ‘why am I crying?’ That distinction cannot be made by any of us for you but by you.

Another thing I will add is this; you young folks of today take life very lightly and you give little attention to the things of life that must be taken seriously.  When we tell you, you call us old school. But life has principles that if adhered to, bring a lot of peace and sound mind to us and then the people around us.

Certain codes of conduct are expected of married women and their general behaviour and in their relationships with others. There are certain expectations for single people and for every other person, man or woman, adult or child. But we now live in times where we do not respect the vital principles for safe living. But the truth is, consequences are consequences whether you foresee it coming or not, and the effects are always the same.

All the excuses in the world and all the reasons you can give for whatever you are doing or have done can never give you the inner peace that comes with a moral conviction of doing what is right. Even those without conscience do break down at times in the face of terrible actions they have taken.

But as I said, No one is here to pass judgment, and though I know I am already sounding judgmental, trust me that is not the effect I want our meeting here to have on you.

“But before I go on, let me ask; is this Sam individual still there in England?”

“Yes Daa”

Is he still single or he is now married?” Mother Genevieve asked a follow up question.

“He is still single”

“Are you two still in touch?” Rev Canon asked.

“Yes Daa”

“How often?”

He used to call me almost every day until I realised my relationship with George was deteriorating by the day.  That was when I stopped picking most of his calls”

“So you are not talking with him?”

“We talk but not as often”

“Have you spoken with him since George left home on Friday?”

“Yes Daa.” She responded almost inaudibly.

Silence

“Daa,” Pattie realised that the silence said a lot than it could have been said in words. She decided to defend herself. “Please, It is not as if I am holding on to him. I am not.”

Rev Ofori decided to let it go because that would have meant making certain references to what she said earlier.

“But my dear,” Mrs. Ofori stepped in to counter Pattie’s defense, “as long as you are in touch with him, you are still holding on to your past and you are acting in contradiction to the very thing you are crying about. Why are you here? You want to get your husband back isn’t it? Yes. Your husband has disappeared and you strongly suspect it is because of your affair with this man. The last thing you want to do is to be in any form of contact whatsoever with this same man who has brought you to where you stand now. It is inexcusable. And you are only aggravating an already bad situation. Do you have any meaningful reason for calling him?”

If there was anything Pattie could undo, she would have undone her confession that she was still in touch with Sam. But that could not be done. She felt so pathetic in her own eyes.

It was not as if it did not cross her mind that Sam was a wrong person to call when she decided to talk to someone; it did cross her mind and it took her over 4 hours before she made up her mind to call him. Looking back, if she knew she would end up confessing to her foster parents, she would have come to them immediately George disappeared.

Calling Sam had not been a simple decision; she had gone for two weeks without picking his calls; that was enough a torment for him. She was on the brink of breaking every form of emotional attachment she had with him. Then she woke up one day and her husband had gone AWOL. Who could she talk to without having to add that someone else visited the King’s chamber?

Everything was in disarray in her head. If chaos had a form, then it must be living in her head.

“Genevieve, kindly offer her a Bible and let us look at a scripture that is on my mind.” Rev canon said in a voice that showed a lot of restraint. Turn with me to 2nd Samuel Chapter 11. Pat, if you are there, read it for us.

“Second Samuel Chapter eleven” she started reading with a pleasant English accent

And it came to pass, after the year was expired, at the time when kings go forth to battle, that David sent Joab, and his servants with him, and all Israel; and they destroyed the children of Ammon, and besieged Rabbah. But David tarried still at Jerusalem.

And it came to pass in an eveningtide, that David arose from off his bed, and walked upon the roof of the king's house: and from the roof he saw a woman washing herself; and the woman was very beautiful to look upon.

And David sent and inquired after the woman. And one said, Is not this Bath-sheba, the daughter of Eliam, the wife of Uriah the Hittite?

And David sent messengers, and took her; and she came in unto him, and he lay with her; for she was purified from her uncleanness: and she returned unto her house.

And the woman conceived, and sent and told David, and said, I am with child. 


Watch Out for Part 4

TO LEAVE OR TO STAY… THE DILEMMA OF A CHEATED HUSBAND


PG Sebastian 
2012 All Rights Reserved

Friday, 13 April 2012

THE STENCH OF ENTANGLEMENT: CONFESSIONS OF A CHEATING WIFE - PART 2


Rev. Canon Douglas Ofori entered quietly with a confused frown on his face. His wife was a strong woman who wouldnt summon him to come and kill cockroaches, so getting summoned meant whatever it was, was very much a big deal. 

He opened up his hands enquiringly upon seeing the position Pattie was seated. What is going on here? He wondered
Please sit down. his wife said quietly. Pattie did not look up nor stop the heaves and chokes; the residue of her wailings.
Pattie daddy is here. Mrs Ofori whispered into Patties ears. Pattie slowly suppressed the unshed tears, took the tissue paper that was issued her, wiped her eyes and blew her nose, pulling herself up into the sofa. She did not look at the Reverend Canon. 
Hmm.  Daddy our Daughter came to have a discussion with us on a problem she was faced with. Mrs. Ofori started to update her husband. But because you were busy I did not want to bother you until she broke down. But since you are her father and the head of the family, I felt we needed you to take the helm of affairs. This is one of our own and if she runs to us, we must be that kind of refuge to her that will not leave her disappointed. So that was why I pulled you here. Forgive us if we interrupted any other thing that was pressing to you.
Sure. The reverend said quietly still nursing a frown of his face and still wondering what the issues were. He kept moving his gaze from his over-fasted wife to the young girl who suddenly looked fiftyish.
We were just about started so I would tell you exactly what I have heard so you can take it up from there. In this day and age and all that we have been through, I know there is no news that can send any of us to our graves; But I plead with  you to be gentle with us. She said tactically as a pre-emptive measure in case he got more than shocked by the gravity of the matter. A man who nearly gave up his pastoral calling when his daughter so shamefully dragged his image in the mud cannot take this any easier. 

That caution rather jolted him and he wanted to be spared all the icing. He was spared it.
Ok, so our daughter has compromised her wedding vow and ...Please Daddy... His wife calmed him down when a weary look appeared on his face. Well her fidelity towards her husband has been compromised so to speak.

Lord Jesus. Rev Ofori said; his heart sinking so deep the path could be bottomless. Compromised as in? He asked keeping a fixed gaze on the girl who seems not to want to have any eye contact with him.
Daddy you know what I mean. Please. It happened while she was in London. And I wish I could say it in another way to make is easier, but I guess there is no other way.

Let us pray. The Reverend Canon said and summoned the last bit of his strength and prayed a brief prayer less concise and precise as his wifes.

Alright, so what is happening between you and George? He asked Pattie after a brief digestion of the issue in front of him. You mean it happened in London?
Pattie Nodded in affirmation
So why is it now coming up.
She suspect George has found out. Mrs. Ofori answered
Suspects? How?
Tell him she prompted Pattie.

Pattie swallowed hard, wiped her eyes with the back of her left hand. She did not look at the 69 year old Priest.


Last Friday he woke up very cold towards me. George has not been the man I married since I returned from London. It could be real or I could be me reading too much into things out of my own distorted perception. But I knew something in him was dead towards me by his actions. Pattie spoke with a warped broken voice.

When he woke up, he did not greet nor say anything to me. He did not make a comment about my clothes or how I looked. He just got dressed up and left.

What happened the previous night? The Priest asked. Anything that could have made him put up that behaviour
Nothing. When I got home, after Thursday service, he was asleep with Carol asleep in his bosom. I was surprised he had slept that early.
You did not wake him up?
No, I took the girl to her bed and kissed him goodnight. He responded half awake. But I felt something was wrong in the room. I could not put my finger on it so I went to sleep. I couldnt eat; whatever the feeling was, I suddenly lost my appetite. I tossed throughout the night with the ever pressing need to have a very honest conversation with him persistently coming up on my mind.
A conversation on his attitude or on what happened in London? the Rev. Canon inquired
Yes on that one Pattie answered.
On the confession Mrs Ofori suggested.
Yes. I knew I had to tell him and get ready for the consequence. The worse that could happen was to be divorced. Such a shame; but I could live my life a bit lighter.
Sure The Rev. Canon said.
So while he was bathing on Friday morning, Pattie continued her narration. I had a jolt My diary. Where did I keep it? I dashed for my drawer where I remember I dropped it when I came to Ghana; the diary was not there. So I started panicking from within, but I had to keep my calm on the outside. I went to the kitchen to prepare breakfast but when I came out, Carol told me he had left.
He did not say anything to you? Mother Genny asked quietly
No. Which was very unusual of him.
Who drops the girl off at school? She asked further
He does.        
So who was he expecting to take her to school by leaving without telling you anything? the elderly Priest asked mildly upset.
Daa, I had no idea. So I quickly put her pack together and got a taxi and went to drop her at school
You did not call him? Mother Genny pried further
I tried but his phone was off
I couldnt believe it and I couldnt be upset either because I felt somehow we were all congregating at the same spot. The diary. I was sure I kept it in that drawer and I was certain he might have found it last evening and gone through it. Gosh I am dead. Pattie suddenly sounded hysterical.

What have you written in the diary? Finally Rev. Canon Ofori asked the inevitable question Pattie had been hoping will not come out.
She looked up for the first time at her Foster father. Nothing. Its not what is written inside; It is a card in it.
A card? A normal card, like a birthday card? the priest pried.
Yes, only it was not a birthday card. She said with an embarrassed look It was an I love you card.
From a friend? A male friend
Yes Daa, from male friend. But the person in question is the problem.
Oh so your husband knows him? The Priest asked getting uncomfortable.
Yes, they met and George was not particularly comfortable with him around me.

I see. So you feel he is upset because the card was from him?
Daa, he added a note to it. It was a card he gave me the day after the incident happened so he was a bit emotional and a bit vivid with what he wrote in it.
And do you think your husband can see through this and make a conclusive judgment on it? Mrs. Ofori inquired.
Yes.  Maa, I think so; it was very clear. Pattie added suddenly wondering if the note was that clear.

What happened to you in London? How did you get yourself entangled in all of this? Reverend Canon Ofori asked the second inevitable question.

Hmm. Pattie started.

When George and I got married we were both worshiping at a charismatic church in Manchester. When he moved to Ghana, I had to move to London because things were not moving on well for me in Manchester and adjusting to the life of a single mother was not easy in my own unique way. I was also finding it difficult getting a job; you know I was not working when George was there with me.

When I moved to London, I went back to the Anglican church, because there was one just around the corner. George, however, insisted I should rather be in a Charismatic church. So after a short while I left the parish I was attending and started fellowshipping with a small charismatic church which was also close by.

I was mindful of the distance between where I stayed and whichever place of worship I settled on because commuting around where I was, was sometimes stressful.

When I joined the new church I had to find a ministry to join so I joined the choir. Really the person who welcomed me the very first day at church was in the choir so he wrote my name even before I had the opportunity to decide which ministry to join.
A he? The priest asked sarcastically.
Yes he was a guy.
A white man? Mother Genny probed further
No Ghanaian; born and raised in England though. It was an African church with very few whites who were either married to Ghanaians or live in neighbourhoods with a lot of Africans.

Naturally, after church this young man had a lengthy and rather exciting conversation with me. The truth is; it made me miss George the more. I had not had that stimulating conversation in a long time. It was not about church, it was not about anything; we were just talking and talking and talking. And I felt like I had known him for ages

On your very first day at the church. Mrs Ofori said almost in a statement. 
Were you having problems with George at that time? The Rev. Canon inquired further.
No, we were perfectly fine; except that he was working so hard here in Ghana trying to establish the company that all our conversations were reduced to the company and its progress and the welfare of the child. We had lost our us time. Not that it was a problem to me nor did I realise that something was amiss.

I guess I gradually got used to the routine and the starved relationship; but as I said it was so subtle it was almost not a problem to me because I couldnt even see it that way. Sometimes my own challenges and my moods prevented us from having any meaningful conversation. So I guess we fell into a depression without both of us noticing it.

Then this young man showed up and just the first meeting, he made a lasting impression on me to the point where I couldnt wait to attend midweek service and after that, Thursday choir rehearsals.

Did you tell George about this young man? Mrs. Ofori asked just to satisfy her curiosity and the nagging feeling that Pattie was confessing because she got caught.


That reminded her of the Kaa wo ho incidence that happened in the church a year ago, when the leader of the Guild of Good Shepherd was caught having sex in the Vestry with the church organist after a guild meeting.

She had said the organist pounced on her when she went into the vestry to return a hymnal she had used during service. She said she did not want to scream to draw attention and embarrass themselves that was why she kept quiet and shamefully endured him raping her.

The question the bishop asked during the disciplinary hearing was simple, when you were caught, you were completely naked, and in the video which we just showed you after you had told us your side of the story, you were telling the organist to hurry up so you can get home before your husband; are we supposed to see this as the evolution of Rape?

She had laughed at herself and how stupid her excuse had been. She shamefully left the hearing, went home to pack her things from her husbands house and left for The US the next day.


I did. Pattie responded in a quieter tone, raising more suspicion in Mrs. Oforis mind.
And his reaction She asked further

As expected, he found it strange that I go to a church and on the very first day the only person to take so much interest in me, and the only person I could take interest in was a guy. He asked me a lot of questions about him which I had no answers to.

When I told him about the first choir rehearsal which was on a Thursday evening and the fact that this guy brought me home, he got unnecessarily upset and we had a heated argument; something I couldnt see the point. I had a little girl with me, I had no car and I had to wait for about 30 minutes or so for a bus in a very dangerous neighbourhood. What was the crime in getting a young man to give me a lift home?

I did not ask for it; a fellow church member and a choir member offered to do it for free. I didnt get the point, but I just allowed him to blow up till he was satisfied and we ended the call on a very bitter note.

Did he tell you anything specifically that got him upset about the young man? Rev. Canon asked wearily.
He said, later on, that I spoke about the guy with so much childish excitement. It was a feeling He had not felt in me for a long while, so it was strange I could get so excited about another guy and to that extent. I did not see then where that was coming from, but now looking back, I realized that maybejust maybe I got overly excited about this guy at the very beginning of our friendship.

What is his name?
Sam
When you discovered that you had unearthed elsewhere something that was long buried in your marriage, did you look for an opportune time to prompt your husband, or maybe have a conversation on it with him?

I prompted him, but it was not at an opportune time. I was on the phone with him and I think I was unconsciously talking about this other young man so much that he prompted me. I remember his exact words, Pattie are we going to spend 30 minutes of my precious credit to talk about your escapades with some stranger? I found that very insulting and I blow up. And my husband got so mad he hanged up on me. George? I couldnt believe he hanged up on me!

I knew I was not supposed to blow up on him. Whether it was an escapade or not, I had spent 30 minutes of his call minutes talking about a church member without asking him whether he was standing in the rain or calling from a police station. I just said hello and I started talking about Sam.

What happened was, Sam had come to visit and he was leaving when George called, so I told him about it and then I continued talking about him over and over again. I apologized later and his express caution to me was to stay clear from him. I did not listen but I tried to keep Sam out of our conversation. And for a while we were ok.

Any special reasons why you chose to disobey your husband? The Priest asked visibly not happy with his daughter.

Daa, Sam had sort of become my new life support. Try and understand it from my perspective; nothing personal or sinister. Pattie responded defensively. No one said anything, so she went on.

After a month of meeting Sam things changed for me in ways that tied me to him each and every evolving day. In a way it made my husband feel far affording me an opportunity to break away from my total dependence on him. I felt independent of George.

You preferred to be independent of your husband and dependent on another man; is that what you are saying? Rev. Canon Ofori asked suppressing his boiling anger. He found Patties whole independent-dependent talk totally ridiculous. It was a lame excuse to be used in defending actions she had  no defense for.

Daa please, I did not see it that way then. All I was considering was the fact that I was free to make choices without recourse to George. Again it was not that it was a bother to me to depend on him; except that I was carried away by the joy of knowing that a day could pass by and if there was anything to call him for, it was to talk about the day and not to ask for help from someone in Ghana on what to do in England.

But after the event that followed, I knew that was the mistake I did my independence of him, drove me into the arms of another man. Pattie said retrospectively. At that time I felt that was ok for him since I wouldnt have to bother him with certain basic things. Maa you know our challenge; eight boys and four girls, we cant help it but be dependent on men.

The elderly couple sat sadly looking at someone they thought was deeper and smarter. They felt disappointed to be hearing such hollow argument from Pattie. They both unconsciously decided to keep their thoughts to themselves; they wanted to hear more.

How often was George visiting? Mother Genny inquired.
Twice in a year, three weeks each visit
And how often did you guys talk on the phone?
As often as we could; sometimes thrice in a day, but mostly twice in a day. We sent texts and e-mails in between.
So that was enough to find him close even though he was far.
That was very close, but there were things I couldnt get him to do on the telephone. And I do not mean sex because sex was never a bother to me. A frown crept on the faces of her foster parents.

I was a single mother taking care of a four year old girl; she had educational needs that I had to meet. Pattie started talking with a renewed strength. No matter how tired I was, I had to be there for Carol; I couldnt shirk it. Money to hire a nanny was not a problem because George was sending it. But he was also trying to set himself up in Ghana and I couldnt afford to appear as a depending lazy wife. Not that he ever complained; but again I didnt have to wait for him to complain. There were a lot of School activities I wished I could go; some I did go but always at the cost of something.

Carol had her health needs; at her age, she was not far from all these kid sicknesses. Someone had to be there to help me share that burden. Not that it had to be at all cost, but when you wake up one day and there is someone there willing to help you, you really find yourself in a weak position and saying no doesnt come easily.
You wake up one day and there is someone to take your four year old daughter to the park and sightseeing all day, at no time or money cost to you; someone who is just a phone call away when it comes to school activities. I couldnt always burden George with petty headaches of a four year old girl. Someone passes by everyday on his way to his house after work and sometimes he even discovers things about the girl before my busy schedule could allow me to.
The Priest decided to rethink as the reality of what the young girl in front of him was saying started hitting him. Mrs. Ofori, just sat there nodding and looking pensive as if her emotions were on auto-pilot.
A growing child needs a male authority or a father figure. At four years in a foreign land with all their cultural differences, I couldnt afford to let her just go through their system without any form or authority. These things dont get done on the phone.
So you mean you allow this Sam person to take up the responsibility of grooming your child sort of.
Daa, it was not as if I deliberately put George aside and picked up Sam, these things evolve naturally. Pattie hit back getting all emotional.

"Pat, I understand what distance means in a marriage." The elderly man stated flatly.
And you know it is not easy Daa! There were times Carol would not do anything I told her to until Sam showed up. And it was not because I was not doing something right; I was so close to her that she started taking me for granted. She wouldn't sit for anything until she saw Sam.
Sometimes all I needed was a good rest but she wouldn't allow me to. I had no support from anyone. Patties voice broke off but she was bent on speaking her mind. She paused a while, swallowed and continued. This young man was all too available. I mostly didnt go out of my way to call him for anything. He was just there and available. What was I to do?
You know how these white people can sometimes treat non-residents. I did not have my papers intact because of those problems that came up which you know of. And because of that I was not entitled to many benefits so it was natural that I couldnt do certain things. Sam was there; he is a citizen.
I always discussed issues with George, but it wasnt like another man sitting in front of me having a face to face discussion with me; someone who had a direct relation with the subject at hand and could give me an informed opinion on it.
I see. The Reverend Canon said pensively. This young man had a lot of time on his hands then; what kind of job was he into?
He had his own company. A subsidiary of his family company.
I see. The priest said.
And he was not married I presume? His wife probed further
No.
How old was he then.
31 years
Roughly your age
Yes Maa
Did he ever show interest in you... you know... wanting to have something to do with you? The Priest asked tactfully, trying to choose his words appropriately.

He did, but that was long after we met; after we had become very close.
And what was your response?
I was not amused at all, but I couldnt express it the way I wanted to; the way that could have gotten him off my back.

Carol had taken ill with cold and was on admission, George was visiting us in two weeks time and I had to put things in order around the house. I was having problems at work because of Carols illness.

One day we had gone to the hospital together, me and Sam, and while on our way back, I broke down and while consoling me he told me how he cared about me. I was so confused; confused about him, honestly for all his goodness to me. I was confused about my genuine love for my husband, my daughter was sick, my work was going bad; all I needed there and then was someone to talk to, hold me, someone I could cry on, he sensed it and he held me and we kissed.

I was very much upset about that, but that was when I realised I had fallen for him; unconsciously. When I met him the following day I knew I had taking a terrible path but I was on it and I was not so much in the mood to get back.

You mean you enjoyed what happened? Her foster mother asked with a disapproving frown on her face.
I did not enjoy it Maa, but I did not hate myself for doing it. Of all the people I could hate, I hated George the most for that mess I found myself in. That was how I felt afterwards
What did he do? The Reverend asked knowing very well the answer.
What did he do?Pattie asked back the same question rhetorically I asked myself that question. He did nothing except I needed someone I could blame for my own weakness. She added just in time before the tears rushed out again.

Watch out for Part three!

PG Sebastian
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