Building Relationships We Can All Be Proud Of

Thursday, 23 February 2012

WHAT, SO NOW I MUST CHOOSE BETWEEN MY MAN AND MY FRIENDS? SMH


One of the greatest dishonesty a lot of us are guilty of is the lie we tell to protect our interest, especially where that interest is not necessarily harmful to your partner; and it is usually in the area of Our relationship vis-a-vis our friends. 

A typical example is when your partner tells you they are not comfortable with your friendship with a particular person so try and keep a good distance. You know this person in question, and you know there is nothing going on for your partner to fear; yet in order not to rock the boat, you agree to whatever they say just to make them feel ok, only for you to lie to them about your true whereabouts sometime later so you can hang out with this other person.

It is dishonesty no matter how you see it and another form of cheating, Yea, I know it is hard for you to accept it. It's ok. 

A lot of us have got the 'you-can’t-talk-to-that-person' order on you. Most often we look at the fact that there is nothing going on therefore the restriction might not be necessary and therefore we disregard it.

A lot of relationships are suffering because of people who cannot either stand specific friends of their partners or people who choose to ignore their partners' concerns about some specific friends.

And sometimes we see one of the partners trying to minimize the impart or justifying the friendship they might have with someone their partner is not comfortable with, and yet choose to blow that of their partner's ties out of proportion.  "Oh but everyone knows Dave is my little Kitty, he is harmless...  But that ugly gold digger around you? She must go!!!!"

We have all at one point or the other been in that situation, where either we are the ones giving the restraining orders or we are the ones taking the orders; and It is one of the most upsetting and bitter situations for any couple in a relationship to face. Yet it is a clear, visible and very 'popular' drama topic in relationships. Some couples fight over that, some take it to the 'other person', others walk away, others get embittered and start calling some old ghosts they know will effectively haunt their partners and probably bring them in line...though most often, drives them farther out of line.

So what do you do when your partner wants you to pull away from a specific friend? 

A likely Solution.

Let your partner give you five distinct and reasonable reasons why they are not comfortable with this other person in your life. ‘It is just a feeling’ is not good enough a reason and you need to let them know that.

Give them five distinct and reasonable reasons why you want to hold on to that friendship. Be sure you do not elicit their jealousy and provoke them by making loose comments like, 'I enjoy their company' or 'they are cute' or 'they make me happy and feel good about myself.'

Ask your partner if they would like to meet this person. Sometimes it might help your partner see the person in a better light or make them confirm their suspicion; after all men understand their own body language just as women also do.

If your partner insists at all cost that you wean yourself from that person, you must look at the friendship you have with that person and decide how you want it to die… if they are people you cannot simply wean yourself from (Colleague, church member, next door neighbor or family friend) be bold and tell them the truth (How your partner feels) But in being bold and honest about it, do not crucify your partner. Something like this might help, ‘Oh Charlie right now, I am under 24/7 surveillance plus curfew… Osimesi is making some funny comments here and there. And I don’t want any drama… you know you girls/guys are funny…. Oh Charlie I can’t go with you today, Osimesi says I gallivant a lot… especially with that fair guy/lady…so Charlie, looks like they bore you small. He see sey you wan cross am.. She see sey you dey want take me from am. Charlie, Osimesi is coming over so you might want to get going…(make them stay like 10mins after they come around or 30 mins., if they are from afar and they intend to stay the whole day. (Harsh I know))

But any smart guy/girl will get the clue. 

And as a guy, you must be bold to let that particular female friend know your girlfriend is not comfortable with her constant presence in your house and their occasional naps and sleep overs and their hijacking of a portion of your life.

However, if they are persons you can easily walk away from and not break their hearts, you can gradually pull away; reduce the phone calls, cut or avoid the constant visits and companionship.

I know, it is not easy… Why would you lose a friend because of your partner’s jealousy or feeling…which brings me to my final point.

Weigh the value of the friendship you have with this person and the value of your relationship and choose one. If your partner puts you on the spot, you must make a choice or your relationship will suffer. 
I cannot tell you what will happen if you choose to disobey your partner. But I can tell you one thing; it will embolden you to disregard many other things they might tell you in the future, or it might even be the effect of your lack of regard for their feelings and views… One day they will just leave without a reason, so you can follow after your friend… the one you might not even want to date.

A lot of people say they will not lose a friend because of their relationships; for sure, I won’t do that. But there is always a critical time you must choose between a friend and your partner, and if you know the road map for your life, you will know who to choose. You can choose a friend if you have no future with your partner; but who will choose a friend over a partner you have a future with?

I have seen many good people who lost equally good people because of friends. I do understand the story of the two of you and how far back you both go… but if you can’t convince someone who came into your life a couple of months ago to accept someone who is just like a part of your life, then you are to be held responsible. I believe the average partner is reasonable and know what demands to make and what demands not to make... I don't think they will want you to lose all your friends...Usually it is Just the one or two they have issues with.

Some kinds of people your partner is likely going to tell you to avoid:
The guy or lady you recently met who is being overly too good to you
Your ex
Someone who has always been hitting on you
Someone who covertly or overtly disrespect or hate your partner
Someone who contacts you a lot too often
Anybody whose name you call your partner by

Ultimately whatever happens between your partner, you and your friends is what you do when you start dating.

When you start dating: 

1 let your friends know you are now in a stable relationship so things will never be the same; things as in everything. Everything will be moderated and your response rate will slow down because you will need a lot of clearance before you can proceed. You can't now get up and do as you please; you must tell the prospective better half...because you won't be amused if they proceed without your clearance.

2. Remind yourself constantly that you are in a relationship and try reducing your appetite for the things of ‘friends’. Start being inward looking, as in you and your partner first before all others. When you do this, your friends will wince; but then remember friends always fight for the friendship first before they consider what makes you truly happy.

3. Let your partner know and meet all potential trouble makers in terms of close friend who won’t leave that easily. Get your partner to like them from day one when love is strong and they will do anything for you. If you introduce difficult characters when the relationship is in full gear, your partner can make a lot more daring interventions they couldn't have made at the beginning of the relationship.

4. Do not encourage any act of rebellion from your friends vis-à-vis what you really want to achieve in your relationship. People of the opposite sex can really rebel and frustrate you; either they will completely abandon you, so in your loneliness you compromise or they will pretend your partner does not exist and frustrate them out. You need to be strong



Always be ready to choose between your partner and friends. Do not let that decision put you in the middle. Always have it at the back of your mind who you really want in your life… and it must be one person…so always look out for the reasons why that person must be the choice.

PG Sebastian
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