Helping You Build A Relationship You Can All Be Proud Of

Saturday, 7 August 2010

A Conversation at a Wedding Reception - A Sequel to A Woman's Self Worth

So after a guy read the Article on A Woman's Self Worth, he had a long lecture for his friends....

It is outrageous, bold, detailed, idealistic and very blunt. But if people can set such standards more people would go beyond the rush of blood to the head in the name of love and think about the future before they hop into marriages. 


John pulled his seat closer to Justin’s, ‘I hope you are watching.’ He stated teasingly 'you are the only one amongst the Planeteers who is not married.' 

Hahaha! Justin laughed uneasily he was severely aware of that and had been battling with it throughout the wedding ceremony. The last thing he wanted to hear was a reminder. He laughed so he wouldn’t have to cry.

I will marry. No fears. I surely will marry when I meet a lady worthy of me. He said quietly.

Suddenly he remembered an article he had read on facebook about ‘A Woman’s Self Worth’ and the standard the character in it had set for herself; he thought he couldn’t want any less.

‘So who is your Ideal lady; what are you looking out for in her? Trust me there is no such perfect person out there’ John said bluntly.

Hahahaha, because you didn’t find a perfect shoe size does not mean there is none in the market. There are and there are more perfect ladies out there for their better halves than we all think. Look around you, there are so many thriving marriages; not perfect but thriving.

So why aren’t you married yet?

Because we have not yet met. Justin replied mildly adamant. She will attract me; I will find her.

So describe her to me. Tell me and let me be convinced so I rest this matter.

John, listen to me, I can’t summarise everything into a few words, but let me say I want an Asset; I want an asset in a woman and not a liability.

Sure we all do and I don’t think I am married to a liability. John said and he knew he was deceiving no one but himself. The words did not even taste right in his mouth.

• For the rest of my life, I want to wake up every morning and have a quality moment with my maker. Now I do, and when a woman comes into my life, she should help me continue until there are kids, and then we can all lead them to Christ. I spend thirty minute every morning in devotion ...that used to be an hour. I don’t want to slide back day I want my wife to support me to go further than that.

• After marrying for 10 years I still want to come home to a woman who still has her groove on; who quickly runs to the bathroom straight from the kitchen. After many years of marriage I still would want to come home with a rose, a bar of chocolate or a pouting lips looking for a cheek. And I want to meet a lady who still carries that childish giggles or a dazzling smile; runs into my arms and take whatever gift I have for her and see that blaze of appreciation in her eyes. A woman who will take me and the relationship for granted in the name of familiarity is not my idea of a woman who is working out a lifetime relationship.

• After 15 years of marriage and the kids are done, I want to see her body and go like “darn!” This is what am talking about. That is the only way a 23year old university girl will not get my attention. If a woman knows what she wants, she will not wait for her marriage to be threatened before she gets her groove on. 

• I love talking.

Do you have to elaborate? Don’t we all know? John asked sarcastically. 

Thank you. So I want a lady I would be excited to run home to [or expect her to come home] and tell all that happened in the day. I want a lady who will emotionally listen; I want to see it on her face, in her response, in her touches, in her laughter and in her tears. I don’t want a lady who is talking about something else while am talking about what is important to me, possible to her and to our mutual future. 

I want her to listen because I want someone to listen to me. Unfortunately enough there are a lot of ladies out there ready to do the listening with no marital commitment. However, I want to have those moments with my wife; not my secretary or the national service lady in my office.

• One day when someone asks me ‘who do you owe your wealth and success to?’ I should be bold to mention my wife. And when asked further what were you before you became a millionaire, I don’t want to say a billionaire...rather, a man with an empty bank account and a thousand investments in my imaginary world. 

Kwame had joined in at this point and suddenly felt that part of the conversation was directed at him: married for 3 years, he has a mortgage, a Range Rover sport and a wife who changes her wardrobe thrice in a year; clothes bought from shops in London. How much does he make in a month? Now the banks are running after him and he can’t tell his wife. He has lost 20 Kilos in weight within the past 3 months; that was when the banks started calling. He tells everyone else he is trimming but the planeteers know he is on the verge of disappearing without a trace, most likely to Argentina...some marriage.

• I want a friend in wife; a woman I can understand and can understand me in return. I am looking out for a woman who appreciates my humanity and therefore vulnerability, beyond being just a man and therefore to be treated less special because of the assumption that men can handle it. I want a woman who will reciprocate every act of love, kindness, sacrifice and respect. We both know these are burdens to carry on daily basis, but they become lighter when we both share and carry them. That is the only way I will never wake up one day in all my life with her and tell myself I AM TIRED OF THIS! I don’t want to wake up one day and ask ‘what is the use?’ My sole motivation to continue in the act of love, kindness and respect should be that she loves me back, she is kind to me and she respects me so how can I take my hands off the wheel.

They say true love is unconditional. It is true. I won’t love her because she loves me. But after loving her for a long time, an act of reciprocity is a motivation enough to strengthen me to continue. It is natural. It is human. Where there is no motivation, the hands grow weary. And I want you to quote me John, I want you to.

• I want a woman who will build a solid friend in me not in her girlfriends or some best male friend way back. Love will not be there all the time and when that time comes I will need someone to relate with as a friend in the house. If I love my wife but she is not my best friend what happens when we enter the dry season of love? We pick news papers and read when we are both home? Or we both find some charitable activities to do to keep us away from the house? Or we ask our bosses to increase our work schedules so we stay away from home longer? No When that season comes, we should switch to the friendship mode...where we can sit and watch TV, gossip, tease ourselves, pray together, drive comfortably to work and come back to a tension-free home – after all it is just love that is gone , not our marriage.

• One day I will be very big, powerful and popular. I need a woman who exhibits the potential of growing along with me or allowing me to take her along. I can’t settle for a woman today because it is convenient or she is available to me and in 10 years from now, it becomes difficult for me to go for official programmes with her. I need to see the potential of the woman staying up in the game for a long time, or being malleable enough to be moulded into it.

• I want a woman who knows and understands the fine balance between career and the family. If you want career, on top of the list so it far outweighs the family, fair enough but am not the one for you. In fact no guy is for you. Just spare the guys the trouble and marry your job and give it your full attention; you will be following the Apostle Paul.

• We all know your wives have been trying to fix me with a lady, because despite all our differences, there is one thing that runs through us; our submission to and unflinching respect for the ladies who end up going out with. I cannot have a lady who cannot submit to me. It will make it difficult for that part of me to come out. I wish women knew how much submission yield for them. See a woman who submits to her husband, she gets all her heart desires...except the man has a problem and naturally it is not in his God given nature to respect people even if their heads are on the silver platter before them.

• Promiscuity now abounds, and I know I might not get a virgin to marry nor a lady who has not been in a relationship before; but I want to sleep and sleep in peace and dream dreams without the fear of any ex boyfriend; or any business partner; or any client; or any man on whom my wife can’t make up her mind and stand on her feet. It is not enough that she is being faithful to me. I need to know she is faithful in actions and in evidence and not because she tells me so. 


A lot of good people left their partners on pure suspicion and fear of what they could be doing behind them. Their partners were not doing anything bad though, but they did not know how to manage that fear eating up their partners therefore went on to confirm that fear. 

• For me to wake up in peace, share a moment of devotion with my wife and kiss her good day, I need to wake up with a very forgiving wife. A vengeful and unforgiving wife is a fox that destroys the vineyard of the family. 

• Can I trust my wife and she trusts me in return? Can we be open to each other? Can I pick her cell phone and not get a feed back of discomfort? Can I receive her calls when she is in the bathroom and the phone is ringing? Can we have barrier free-relationship? Because I have nothing to hide. 

• I may never really call upon her to support the family in a way which will surpass what is my responsibility to the family, but there has to be the evidence that she will be there and rise to the occasion when it becomes necessary. One day I want my wife to say: don’t worry, let me handle this; Let me finance that; let me sort this one out; let me deal with this. I don’t know when and it might never be, but when that time ever comes, I want my help mate to be there for me as a true help mate.

• I will not marry a lady because you guys said she was good for me or someone else did – a pastor, family member or a trusted person. It could be the starting point, but I need to know the lady as she appears to me. Because of subjective interpretation of life’s experiences, two people might not perceive one thing in the same way and I need therefore to trust in my own judgement. In any case when it is all exciting I can thank whoever the person is that recommended her, but if it becomes something else I must bear it alone... someone helps me make a lifetime decision and it goes bad and I must bear it alone? No, I want to be responsible for my future; it is easier to accept the consequences.

When he was done, they were all silent. All the three were together less the groom and the best man. 

Kwame asked, ‘And you expect to find all this in one woman?’

No. That is why I am not looking for a hundred percent perfection; but at least she should have a good measure of them. Most importantly, she has to show that appreciation of the need for a woman to be of that much worth; that will be the starting point for me to mould her into the kind of wife I want for a better half.

I would mould her into my dream wife; she must mould me into her dream husband. We will all meet at an equilibrium place and decide this is good for both of us. But in order that I don’t force her to change so much, I would want her to have most of the things I seek first, so the rest would be what I can cope with even if she won’t change them, or things she can easily change. 

I won’t go for a lady who is not what I want and then tell myself I will change her later or she will change by herself; and I do not believe in marrying her and living with the way she is in the name of love, when that is not what I want. I don’t see how I can fuse a piece of metal into a piece of wood and call it one material. If the two of us are to become one flesh, then there should be greater similarities than differences and when we cannot change the rest, we dress it up. I AM LOOKING FOR SOMEONE I CAN ACCEPT AS A MANAGEABLE PACKAGE NOT AS AN ENDURABLE PACKAGE. I want to embrace differences and diversity in a person but some differences are better let off than retained. 

Divorce is not in my dictionary that is why I need to be more than sure. ‘For better or worse’ has so much meaning to me and the marital vows are eternal. I may ridicule you, but I cannot ridicule God and that is why, before I go to the altar, I must be sure this is what I want for the rest of my life.

Justin, people change. 

I know; I would rather she changed along the way than to know she was not worthy of me from day one. In any case if you can find evidence of quality in a woman, trust me only few would change drastically along the line. But that is why I will be the guide to her all the days of her life. I myself might change along the way therefore the need for a woman who will be there to serve as a guide to me.

I agree to my imperfection hence my search for a woman who will give me the guidance that I also need, most importantly as a fallible man; guidance that goes beyond ordering about, into the realms of words of wisdom, intercessory prayers and critical admonishment.

When John opened his mouth to speak, he choked on his tears. No one look at him. They knew about the mega wedding he had; the first among them to marry; now his wife is his greatest adversary. They live like night and day, they don’t see eye to eye and they don’t agree on anything. Two wise captains who both claim mastery in Navigating the Antarctic. In fact they [the friends] are now being pushed away from him.

How do you intend to find that woman?

Hmmm. It is not scientific. But they say in our local adage that ‘the preparations at the break of dawn determines whether a game will be exciting or not.’ You don’t promote people to determine their competence; you first identify the potential for competence in them by the things they do or say or how they act, then you entrust them and hope they will walk in those professions they make. 

You can judge a lady and what she is capable of doing based on many things like who her friends are; Show me your friends and I will show you your character as an apt adage.

What she is excited about today tells you what will excite her tomorrow. What is the predominant theme of her conversations today? What are the things she encourages and what are the things she discourages? What is she laughing about and what is she taking seriously? Yes indeed you cannot foolproof the issues of life; People disappoint those who trusted them - but at least there was trust. This means there was the potential for good in them. I do not possess omniscience so I will leave the future of that person in the hands of God. 

One thing I have been doing aside all that I am looking for is this; I take every potential wife to God in prayer and I ask God for a sign. God is yet to fail me. 

Are you wondering if this will not go on forever with no success? Well I would rather live like this than to live a life of regret because of a single life changing institution I entered. I have seen more marital disasters because people think there are no perfect partners so they make do with what they get. If it is so why are they not living in peace and enjoying their marriages? I will not fall for that lie. If a person is not good enough for me and I know it, it only tells me they are not the right peg for the hole. I won’t jump foot to head into a pool without the slightest knowledge of the temperature. I need a measure of certainty to reduce my risk exposure.

Those who wait upon the Lord shall receive the desires of their heart. It may tarry but it shall surely come to pass. God will bless them because they waited, they were careful and prudent. And because they waited they will never be late in life....

And one day when I sit on my throne as king I would want a befitting queen, not a political queen; not a dressed down queen. When we wave at the world, it has to be natural and it has to be from the heart not a dress-up on anger, misunderstanding, bickering and dissension.

Do I convince you enough?

What is the way forward to salvage our marriages now that we are in it?

Let’s get something to eat...we will talk about that after church tomorrow....

Copyright 2010. George Sebastian (Author)

All rights reserved.